-Pirates, we got pirates. Take that you ninja loving/buggery hating bitches. -
But we did want to see the Field Museum. I mean come on, pirates. Anyone who has spent more than fifteen minutes on the internet has had it drilled down into the depths of their soul that Pirates make every experience better. Real world or otherwise. That was all I really knew about the Field Museum, with the twin exceptions that 1) it held a exhibit on Pompeii in the past and 2) The frakking building looks a lot like the Museum of Science and Industry. Stupid Chicago, why did you have to use the same architect for both buildings? Couldn't you afford someone else you cheap bastards?
The adventure began as they often do, leaving town after work on a friday night. Once again we were headed to crash at the Fat Man's for an evening of movies and general geekiness. This time though, I planned to take a different route, something more direct. You know, fewer chances for us to miss a turn and end up spending the weekend hanging with the stone heads at Easter Island. Never underestimate either stupidity or incompetence as potent world shattering forces.
-The Masons, they're everywhere. Run for your lives, there really is a conspiracy! Ahhhhhhhh! -
Expectations and reality never seem to meet up. Instead of a quick and pleasant trip we ran into a traffic jam. Two lanes of highway came to a near complete stop. Half an hour or more we spent reliving a pattern. Lift foot from break, roll forward a car length, maybe two, apply break. Was it an accident? Construction? Hot as hell dance party with nude girls?
Nope. It was a bumpkin magnet. A drag race(or as I prefer to call it, dragshow). Every race loving red neck within a hundred miles seemed to be trying to take the same stupid exit to see the show. They packed themselves into those two lanes, all along the highway both north and south of the bridge. Yeah, it was that huge of a draw for the people in the area. And for those who have never seen a drag race, the festivity consists of a pair of cars starting from a dead stop and driving as quickly as possible, about five hundred feet and then stop. Over and over again. People pay to see it. Hell, they dragged their asses out into the middle of the countryside and braved miles long lines of cars to attend such a spectacle.
I don't understand my species.
- Stupid bald jokes aside, this was my favorite picture from the entire set of some 80+ we took that day. Dutch the magic comet, wrecking havoc in the dinosaur population. -
Maybe if there were swords involved. Chariots and bloodshed. But no, it's just a couple wigged out cars driving in a straight line. Repeatedly. Enchanting.
South Bend is a city I hate driving in, with it's wacky five-way intersections and multiple turnabouts. But now that I knew what to expect, it wasn't really that big of a deal, and in time we found ourselves watching Final Destination 3 with the Fat Man. Odd as that was since Evil and I had never seen the first two. But he does like introducing people to the series with the third movie.
FD3 is basically a hour and a half long excuse to make a film that involves the gruesome death of obnoxious teenagers in an overly elaborate and highly contrived manner. I'm all for teens dying in movies, and it was fun to watch the absolutely brutal fashion in which the writers concocted each and every death. A real gorefest. My only complaint is that they let the kids talk too much in the name of “Character development”. Just kill them and get it over with. Stop putting sentiments that don't belong into the children's mouth, that just makes the movie creepy in all the wrong ways.
With the movie over, we hit the sack. No leaky air mattress for me this time. Instead I took the pillows from the back of the couch. In the morning we sprang up and grabbed breakfast at a local place called the Skillet since the Original Pancake House was packed. The skillet was ok. People were friendly. Buffet was decent, I wouldn't go around craving the food, but I wouldn't veto a return visit either. French toast was awesome. I think they added a dash of nutmeg to their mixture to give it a unique flavor.
- Check it out, the Chefs look a lot like Steve Balmer and Bill Gates of Microsoft. They're diversifying into the greasy spoon market. It's amazing that breakfast didn't crash at least 3 times before we paid the check.
With breakfast behind us we stopped by Meijers to pick up the crappy adventure bling from one of the vending machines. What does it say about my taste that about the only jewelry that I own and wear comes from a vending machine when we go on one of these trips? Tacky? Whatever. A warning though, don't get into the habit. Freaking vending machines are addictive. You keep dropping your money in to see what little surprises that you get. For anyone with a steady paying job, a quarter is next to nothing, and I find it tempting to keep on going to see exactly what all secrets the little machine contains. As was, I spent a good deal more than I intended to, as I was looking for another ring to go with the rest. Took three tries and two cheap necklaces later I got something like what I was looking for. It resembled one of the rings from Captain Planet.
- Now to take these tickets back to the NPC that gave us the quest as proof of completion and get our well earned experience. 100 XP gained! -
With that, we met up with Dutch to start our adventure. The ride into Chicago was about like the first. Driving along in Dutch's car, listening to music as the Fat Man posed his questions of the day as he probed the inner workings of our minds. The first went about like this: (For the guys) You're in a movie theater on a date when a strange woman walks in and sits down next to you, through out the random jump scenes in the movie she shrieks/gasps and grabs your hand for comfort. She never says anything until the end when she gets up and hugs you and then leaves. What do you do?
My answer, Squeeze a breast and tell her that she was welcome. It would only be fair. More so with the awkwardness that she created between myself and my potential date.
Afterwards we moved on the the potential mix cds – this week it was Music to Rock to during the Apocalypse and Songs you should never bring up on a First Date. I am of the opinion that the Gary Jules rendition of Mad world fits well in both columns.
- He he he, Dinosaur Butt! Lolz0rz! -
Interesting conversation makes for a quick trip as we took the highway over the edge of South Chicago rather than just barging through again like last time. Methinks that Dutch and the Fat Man are a little shy of possibly meeting Leroy Brown. The highway dropped us right about where we wanted to be the first time we visited town. Lord be praised. And it was center to the original set of directions that the Fat Man printed off.
The day was drab and overcast and slightly cool, even through my adventuring pants. We bitched about the bad luck with the weather from the moment we stepped out of the entrance to the parking garage. Who wants to visit Chicago on a bland and overcast day? Fuck you nature! We had a two mile walk ahead of us, and the bitching lasted about the first fifteen minutes when our comments and thoughts turned miraculously to “Damn good thing it isn't sunny and 80 today. We lucked out. Thank you nature. Funny what kind of changes that a little exercise has on one's outlook.
- I bet it's one of those creepy ghost ships that appears out of the fog and attacks any poor soul that it comes upon. -
We walked along the lake shore, or rather along the concrete walkway that lined the harbor. The ground was covered with dozens of signs that alternately denoted that swimming and diving were both illegal in the area for whatever reason. But what if you fell in? We wondered. Or were pushed? Would you be required to either float or sink instead of swimming? Could you cannon ball? That isn't a dive. Ohh, check out the weird boat. This brought about the usual shift of my suggesting to Dutch that he do something stupid, which this time involved not only diving into the harbor, but also swimming out to the boat to see what sort of shenanigans that he could get up to. Dutch declined. I need to increase my charisma score and put a few more points into persuasion. That or find someone with severe brain damage.
- Skip ahead folks. This part is a lot like the LoTR movies. A lot of walking interspersed by homosexual midget orgies. -
We got in line and waited to give the City of Chicago our money in exchange for a day's worth of edutainment. Pirates fool, we were there for pirates. The lady at the counter happily took my money and queried whether or not we were part of a group, we were, but not in the manner which she was thinking. There were just four of us involved in the excitement. I told her that we had tried to visit in main but were waylaid by the evil Museum of Science and industry by manner of the fact that the buildings resembled one another.
And that we're retarded.
She just laughed and told me that that was a common error since both buildings had the same architect. No problem, we were here now and we were in. Time to take in the wonders held within the place of Muses.
The main hall of the Field museum is quite a sight A vast open space with a ceiling one hundred feet tall. The floor was speckled with exhibits that won't fit into any other space, from Sue the T-rex to some full sized totem poles. Very impressive and enough to touch off a sense of excitement in History and Science geeks of any age. Glee!
- Hey there Sue, I admit I'm a sucker for a girl with a pretty smile, but I don't like how you're grinning at me. -
Sue stands guard at the north entrance. The world's largest complete tyrannosaurus rex skeleton. Looking up at her, I hate to use a cliché, but I thought she would have been bigger. Maybe it was just the position they had her posed in, hunched over as if she were running to pounce on some unfortunate morsel. Or maybe the movies just gave me an exaggerated feeling of their true size. Whatever. I found myself looking up at the old girl and asking “Is this it?” True, I agree with Dutch's sentiment that I would definitely not want to have her chasing along behind me. Especially with all those years reading fantasy. Animated human skeletons
You might think that our first stop would be the pirates. Wrong sucker. It was the restrooms. A memorable experience that combined sticky floors with the smell of urine. I'd hate to be the custodian in charge of that place, with all the stupid kids coming in, and their inability to aim and shoot accurately. Ick. I doubt the poor bastard gets paid well enough to deal with that kind unintentional (hopefully) infliction of human misery.
I apologize in advance for the lack of photos of the inside of the pirate exhibit, I didn't take any. Not so much due to my immersion into the experience as the fact that photography was banned within, probably on pain of keelhauling. So you get Dinosaur pictures in their place.
- What is the plural of Triceratops? Triceratopseseses. Whatever. What I really want to know is why are the Jurrasic park scientists taking so long to pump these buggers out. think about it, the running of the Triceratopi in San Fransisco. -
The pirate exhibit follows the story of a single ship from its birth in England to its death off the coast of Cape Cod and then finally the enterprise of finding and recovering the loot from the wreck. They had hundreds of interesting artifacts raised from the ship's deathbead, ranging from cannons on down to spoons. The ship had been built as a slave transport, so the exhibit went into depth about the African slave trade and then a general overview of pirate culture of the period.
The creepiest object they had in their collection was a lone leg bone of one of the crew members. Said crew member happened to be a ten year old boy. Looking at the remains of a child pirate dead some two hundred years and entombed at sea is rather, not so much disturbing, but rather uncomfortable. I wonder if there will be stories about the bone being haunted by the child as there often are of various objects owned by the tragically dead. Maybe museum workers will tell visitors about how they see the ghost of a small boy walking around the exhibit at night, just out of the corner of their eye. Ohhh spooky.
- Quick everyone, Gather together like the tourists you are for the standard tourist picture! -
We wandered through the exhibit, reading some, but mostly just studying the objects. As the Fat Man pointed out, one can read about this any time, we were there to see physical artifacts in person. The Field museum has more than can been seen in a day unless you move fast and only browse. We probably only made it through two thirds of the exhibits, and most of those we didn't stop to read even a quarter of the information. This is good for the people of Chicago who have no end of time to visit(if not the money). It is a place of wonders, ancient and modern, man made and natural. Wish we had something as cool around here.
After the tour of the Pirate exhibit we hit the cafe that they 'provide.' Normally one would expect to pay insane prices for mediocre fare. We were all astounded that this wasn't the case. The prices were reasonable and the food was outstanding.
I am, as a side note, aware of cost and value. I have been so since reading Allegory of the Whistle by Ben Franklin. I usually ask myself if what I'm holding is worth what they are asking. It's a build in defense against collecting nick-knacks and starving on ramen noodles. Still, it leaves me looking cheap as hell. But I'm poor, so I have an excuse. I just hope that should I ever manage to strike it big, maybe by striking oil in my back yard, that I have the sense not to blow money like mad on worthless crap. Vending machine treasures aside.
Can't have enough of my precious. ****Warning Obsessive Compulsive behavior developing.****
- Terrorists fistbump in front of the magic mushroom. It doesn't get any geekier than this. -
Fed and happy we got back up and returned to our tour. First up was the section on the history of life as it has evolved on the planet earth. Evil pointed out that creationists should be forced to visit that exhibit if only to finally take away the proper definition of what a Scientific theory actually is so that they can stop using the 'only a theory mentality' to discard scientific data that 'contradicts' their beliefs.
Whatever. The collection was kick ass, with fossils that were hundreds of millions of years old lining showcases. This is where the Fat Man and I lost Evil and Dutch. The Fat Man and I agree on his stated sentiment about being there to see the artifacts. Dutch and Evil obsessively needed to read every single freaking sign posted within a five mile radius of the museum. Everything. It was insane, thought it gave me time to wander around the big room with all the Dinosaur skeletons on display (I doubt that they were actual fossils, but rather casts of the fossils). I got to see some old favorites. Rather one old favorite.
The triceratops has been, in my mind, the most awesome dinosaur ever to walk the world. I've been of this opinion since I was five and discovered dinosaurs. Raptors are cool, specially after the release of Jurassic Park, but the triceras will always be tops for me. Hah. Bad play on language. And you walked right into it. Pwned. I think it's their won't start none, but won't take none attitude that I always imagined them to have. As Teddy might say, they speak softly but have badassed horns. I'll likely forever have that image of them lodged in my mind. The prehistoric giant lizard equivalent of cows.
- Oh no! It's Airsquid! Someone get Godzilla! Ok kids, here's your motivation, that's a giant tentacled creature, and you're all Japanese school girls. alright, scene! -
We wandered through the rest of the upper floor, weaving in and out of exhibits, stopping to look from time to time. So much to see and try to absorb, which is hard when you see something else that is shinier and are compelled to move onwards to see what mysteries that the horizons hold.
We breezed through the morbid collection of dead animals to get to the Maneaters of the Tsvaro. A pair of stuffed lions whose story was featured in the movie “The Ghost and the Darkness”. The son of the founder of the Museum purchased them from the man who hunted them down and killed them sometime back in the 20s or 30s. They were a pair of big kitties and I can see why they would be frightening when on the prowl in the depth of the night. I think that in their own way, the two lions are even more frightening that Sue as they pad along silently in the dark. It would be ever so much more difficult to miss a six ton beast, should it ever decide to try and stalk its prey. Yeah, no dice there big girl.
Second in line for me was the Egypt expo. Hundreds upon hundreds of objects pertaining to ancient Egypt, dug up and then stolen for our enjoyment here in the states. I don't recall any Mummies, the Fat Man says there was at least one. My attention was on all the wonderful little works of art. The priceless trinkets that they have lying around like garage sale castoffs, only in heavy duty jewelry cases. That and dry humping the sarcophagi. Hey man, a man has his needs, and its been a while.
The day was winding to an end, at least for the museum. Bastards close early in the afternoon, which makes sense. I wouldn't want to be one of the workers there, stuck until nigh on forever as a bunch of gawkers wander around jaws agape as they try to comprehend the wonders that they are adrift between. Fuck that noise, better just to expel the visitors, clean up and then go home. So with that coming, we decided to take one last stroll around the gift shop and slip away before security was reduced to using clubs.
- This is a recreation of my favorite scene from Disney's Lion King. The part where the creepy hippy suduces the lioness, PETA style. -
We probably walked a good four miles that way. And that was just between the Museum and our parking garage. Who knows how many miles we put in while wandering the hall of knowledge. By the time we got back out onto the street the soccer game had let out. Going in we saw hundreds of people dressed in blue and white walking around town, they seemed to be congregating somewhere else so we ignored the, They were obviously fans, for Honduras I think, and that meant soccer. Against who? Who cares? It's grown men playing a game. We had better things to do, mostly meet up with my cousin Spank-daddy and find a place to grab dinner before we split back to Southie.
I wanted Chicago style stuffed again. One go six weeks before was hardly enough to satiate my appetite. But I also wanted to try something new. We failed in finding a suitable place within walking distance for a group of people who had already put in several miles and were thus tired and hungry. Spank-daddy suggested Miller's Pub which was close and he had heard good things about. Good enough for us, we took it.
- Yeah. It was tasteless, I admit. But then we are a bunch of big stupid kids. It is amazing that collectively none of us ever joined a frat whilst in school. -
- Goodbye last dollar. Goodbye! -
The place is a pub, a bar and restaurant combined, so I shan't go far into the decor. I will say that the place was packed, with who knows how many patrons enjoying a meal and conversation in the dim interior. People here were dressed for the night out, and the hosts wore what looked like Tuxedos. But despite the crowd we were seated in around 20 minutes. All that without being famous. Good service. I'm cheap, the menu was expensive, so I went with my usual standby. Hamburger. I do love the ground beef placed between a couple slices of bread and paired with some deep fried potato sticks. So simple but so consistently tasty and difficult to fuck up. Whatever, Miller's didn't disappoint here either. The food wasn't world shattering with a bomb of awesomeness, but it was damn good and worth a second look. I'd really like to try the pulled pork sandwich. Maybe next time when we hit the Art Institute.
- You know you want some of this. -
Back in the Fat Man's living room we exposed Dutch to Hudson Hawk for the first time. A crime of the capital order, that the man had never seen Hudson Hawk, as old as he is. Might as well not have seen Star Wars. Pokey, can you believe that kooky elephant?
It was a good weekend, capped off by my giving the race course the bird as we passed it on the way back north towards the homeland. No I'm not bitter. Fucking rednecks.
- The power of Ra compels you! -
