Unleashing the inner rennie. Twice. I feel so dirty.

- The Gnome Home. Rabid little buggers. -

This has been a summer of firsts for me. First comic con, first time through the Chicago museum circuit. Hear my tale now of the Michigan Rennfest.

I classify myself as a geek. I enjoy movies/tvshows/novels involving science fiction and fantasy. Video and computer games of all sorts. Science and history. Yet despite that I've been self-deprived of geeky gatherings, were my people get together and be what they are. Rabid nerds. The convention, comic or otherwise, is a hotbed of dorkery and a spectacle to be experienced. History and science museums. Both valuable, interesting and entertaining (with the right people). This is my birthright people.

- Gandalf the Potter, recognize! -

No. I'd never been to a rennfest. An admission that must crush my geek cred. I've been passingly curious, but not enough so to actually hit one on my own. I just don't really work like that. I hate to be the sad creepy loner out wandering around in crowds like that. Being a sad creepy loner in the comfort of my own home is fine. I just don't like to put myself on display. Also it was in part that there was no real festival in and about the areas which I lived. Sure, I could have driven several hours to attend, but damn that wouldn't jive with my laziness.

The American Renaissance Festival. I live in a nation that didn't exist when the European Renaissance was in full swing some 600 years ago. The continent was inhabited by civilizations newly discovered(in the minds of my European ancestors) and many of which are now long dead. Despite that, every year across the breadth of this nation there are hundreds of so-called Rennfests. Astonishing. We have about as much claim to the renaissance as Vanilla Ice does to rap music. Or crystal light does to calling a product “Lemonade”. Better to call it powdery water with a flavor reminiscent of citrus. A drink that is a vague childhood memory of what lemonade was actually like – yellow and bittersweet.

That is, we co-opted the European Renaissance and made it our own for the purposes of raking in the cash from suckers who are willing to partake in the spectacle. And spectacle it is. The rennfest is all about spectacle, and is centered on user created content. It's a mishmash of geek culture from the Goths to the furries. Somewhere in the middle lie symbols of the actual historical aspect on which the rennfest is supposedly based. I don't know if the peoples of Europe celebrate the Renaissance in our fashion. I have to doubt it. If anything they probably have festivals that are a mite less shallow and guady. Then again, Disneyland in Paris is the most popular tourist destination in Europe. Maybe it's just a common trait in humans, to take and transform the past to make it seem so much better than it was.

-Ye Old timey Goths. Not succumbing to pleasure. No I wasn't really trying to take a picture of that chick's chest. That was just a happy accident. -

The spectacle is about as historically accurate as a Disney movie. Watered down and made family friendly. Plague, pillage, rape and murder. Gone are the brutality of the times, and in washes a tide of color and idealized imagery. But then it is a faire or a festival. One should expect this. The rennfest becomes rather like a string of late summer Halloweens for adults. A chance to dress up and mingle with other members of an adopted culture. A gathering point for people with similar interests. The renfest is just a convention for a different subset of geeks/nerds/dorks. There is no real need for the festival to resemble reality. People create their own reality.

Then there are a bevy of women wearing scanty costumes and bosom enhancing bodices. Food is plentiful and very tasty and the atmosphere is curious and plesant. So as to say, Fuck accuracy. I really don't want to experience the real thing that badly. The historian in me is curious and a little annoyed at how the world is portrayed and exploited, as I prefer the cold hard facts to some sloppy fiction. But then again, scantily clad women.

The first thing one notices, if they're like me, is that the costume play is far more pronounced at a rennfest than it is at a comic convention. More importantly is the male to female ratio, which is vastly better than the showing at the comic con, closer to a 1:1 basis. Here is a great congregation of female geek folk. The cup runneth over. A big plus. There was a great deal of exposed cleavage, since either standard wenches or pirate wenches are a popular theme. Don't know what they have to do with the renn, but when in Rome appreciate female nudity as the Romans do.

Minuses? Yeah. Inappropriate costuming. Not just the unusual and inexplicable – Please, why were there furries? Were they representing the Japanese medieval period perhaps? – but rather a general disdain for the eyes of the fellow revelers. What has been seen cannot be unseen. Really, if you're 400 pounds and covered in hair, you shouldn't leave your house in a loincloth. This is just good manners. But the disregard seems to be part of the syndrome. Fair enough.

- That bodice is made of leather, and is restraining the goodies within if only just barely. Ensemble is kinda skanky in the Halloween tradition. All in all, I give it an 8. I really need to time travel to the period in history where she took her costume inspiration from. -

Personally I feel no need to dress up. I went wearing my usual adventure pants. Sturdy cargo-pants to soak up the abuse and hold my gear. I was wearing pants and that should be all that is expected. Though I did want to wear a kilt(one with cargo pockets in which to store my gear), but alas, the garment hasn't been finished yet. So next time. I figured the best I could do was to be an obnoxious time tourist, so I brought along a lighter so that I may tantalize the locals with my ability to conjure fire without the use of flint and tinder.

I actually visited the festival twice. Once with the standard crew and a second time to meet the lovely Em.

Evil, the Fat Man and Dutch are all long time festival attendees. Evil actually was active in the festival at her college for a few years. I had no real idea what to expect on going in, though I had heard stories. The stories abounded with crazy. Really, rennies, as Evil tells it, are the outcasts from high school. Outside of the misery that is high school, they gather together, wounded psyches and all, with others of our kind to celebrate their nerdiness...

- Nerds. -

Note, rennies, especially older rennies, don't seem to like the title of nerd. In these modern times nerd is a badge of honor. Of course some use it in a derogatory fashion, but who cares about those chunk-heads. During visit number two with the beautiful Em I learned that there is a special pavilion for the express purpose of holding weddings. My response was 'Holding weddings at a rennfest, now that is a new level of nerdiness.” A lady, possibly drunk, wearing the garb of an elf, that is a pair of cheap pointy ear prosthetics, accosted me. And then proceeded to lecture me on how the rennies were living happily whilst all the jocks and jerks who picked on the nerds in the real world were in cubicals crunching numbers. At least that's what I took from the rant. She was clearly less than happy and holding onto some of her past issues with a death grip.

Rule number one of renfest, don't pick fights with the hardcore. They carry weapons.

- A pretty redhead clad in tights and wielding swords. I am in love. -

So I smirked at her, tried to calm her down. This combination of tactics is mutually exclusive by the way, and weathered her tirade as best I could with out telling her that she was long past high school and she needed to just let that bullshit go and get on with it. I didn't want to get stabbed. She had the crazy and I have a good sense of what is conducive to long life. So I kept my smart ass comments to myself.

- Brother, I hope you didn't pay to do this. At least pay whilst you were sober. -

Back to the story. I visited twice in three weeks. The first time was with the usual crew, plus one. Evil, The Fat Man and Dutch. Evil and Dutch dressed for the event, partaking in the pagentry. Evil just threw on a regular skirt and a renfest-style bodice. Dutch went all out donning his happy pants, thick belt and other such garb.

We teased him for it of course. This is what friends do.

But getting dressed is all part of the fun, and they fit right in. There's a good mix of players and tourists that run a gradient ranging from the hardcore of the rennies, who come dressed in costumes that they spent hours, if not days, making themselves to be either historically accurate or just outright awesome. All the way down to the dude who showed up in blue jeans, flip flops and a cheap pirate hat.

In my opinion the latter end of the spectrum are somewhat insulting to the very concept. If you're not going to fully participate, then at least don't half-ass it and pick something up at Walmart on the way in. Anything less becomes a mockery of what is already almost a parody of actual history.

Michigan Rennfest is a huge business. The company that runs the festival owns the land and has erected permanent structures for the shops and shows. No tents for us, yessir. They claim that the facade represents that of a 16^th century English village or town. I've never been to one. Nor seen photographs. But I have my doubts about how accurate they are in their creation.

Regardless. The place is cool.

- Pink mead drink beverage, just like they made it in 16th century England! Only three bucks a bottle! Gets me into the spirit! -

The approach is screened from the eye by a wall of trees, through the first gate, you pay for your ticket, and then finally through the second gate you behold the modern idea of the said 16^th century English village. An enclosed village at that. It works like a giant loop, the roads/paths are lined with shops and stages. At one end lies what can be termed the village, while a open jousting field dominates side opposite.

For the first visit: We entered at around noon on a hot sunny day. Then we gawked until finally kick-starting ourselves and choosing a direction. Eyes were half on the stores as we passed. Leather works, sword sellers and potters mixed with food booths and stalls to buy trinkets and jewelery. The rest of our attention of course went to our fellow tourists. As I said, the faire is rife with user created content. One moment you might see a gaggle of hot wenches and then the next a man(or woman) dressed in full plate mail. No telling what might come around the next corner.

As a group we made a full turn of the loop, taking in all the sights and marking down the interesting points that we might wish to return to. First full stop was one of the shows.

- That is a whole lot of flaming on one stage. -

Manolette. Manolette was awesome. I won't give away much of his show, beyond to say that it was vastly entertaining and very funny. It was good that he kept it a bit raunchy for the audience even though there were children present. After all, if a parent objects to the content, they are always free to up and leave and allow the rest to enjoy the show. He was lewd and funny and we parted with some of our cash in the form of a tip. I don't know if the performers get paid to entice them in or if they work for whatever they can wring from the audience, I have to think a combination of both. At least with the professionals.

There is a wide variety of shows, though most seem to lean towards the comedic in nature. Don't know why this is. Perhaps a festival atmosphere is the perfect place for comedy. Even the dramatic shows had comedic aspects to them. Jokes interspersed with the action.

The second show we sat down for was The Ded Bob Sho, a ventriloquist act starting a lewd puppet that insulted the audience. Of course we loved him and laughed as he made fun of us even as he delved into the realm of the creepy. That's just how it was. Better yet, his show was stated as being rated pg13. So people, who had been offended in the past, could be warned that the content might not be suitable for their sensibilities. Maybe the warning was sufficient. I didn't see anyone get up and leave.

- Anti-goths or Zombies? Which of the possible answers is scarier? -

Ded Bob is rather a microcosm of the Rennfest experience. He demands audience participation to the point of bringing audience members up onto the stage to play their parts so that they are both being entertained and entertaining in the same breath. And then once the entertaining is done, he solicits for money. A free market at work because people gladly give him large piles of cash as they choose his service.

For my second visit, I merely went to meet up with a friend from school. She loves these things and invited me along for a meet and gawk. I of course said yes for several reasons. And important one being that she promised to wear a chainkini should she get her hands on one. I love to see beautiful women in chainkinis, as they are so very sexy. So I made one for her. At least the bottom half.

- So many dirty thoughts, so little time. -

Five pounds of interlocking galvanized steel rings. Four hundred feet of wire and several weeks work assembling the thing and it was all worth it. Em is quite a sight wrapped in steel. She wore the thing for the entirety of the afternoon, leaving me with wonderful images to keep me warm during the long winter months ahead.

The costumes. They were the best and worst part of the renn experience. By long and far away. Pirates and tavern wenches abounded in all ages shapes and sizes. Good and bad, the young and beautiful came lockstep with the old and saggy. Rennies don't seem to ever grow out of their favorite costumes. It's nice to see people that comfortable with who they are, and it sucks to see people that comfortable with who they are.

-Pirates? Tavern Wenches? Both combined to form lesbians! Glee! -

All in all, I live on the internet, and have seen worse things than people past their prime in revealing costumes. So, no big deal. Just squint a bit and keep on going and go on mining for the gold. It's there in droves. Like the lone Ninja who ignored the centuries long Pirate-Ninja feud and hit the renn on the Pirate themed weekend. The man had balls. I wonder if he was part of a show. And if not, some of the drunken pirates(It's a rennfest, there's a lot of drinking) got together and tried to pound the tar out of him. Either way, the dude is my hero for having balls of pure steel.

Advice? Sure:

→ Try the turkey legs. They're damned good.

→ Take pictures. People there don't seem to mind. They've spent a good deal of time on their costumes and want to show them off.

→ Make sure to bring along cash. I doubt that anyone takes credit or checks.

→ Remember it is a faire, so everything is going to be expensive. They have you by the short curlies.

Chicago part Two: Electric Boogaloo

In a face saving move, we decided to rename our first trip to Chicago. It's now called a 'Fact Finding Tour'. Everyone got that? Reconnaissance. We were there to scope the place out for further adventures. And so we did. Honestly, my only goal was Pizza. I achieved pizza. Mission accomplished.

-Pirates, we got pirates. Take that you ninja loving/buggery hating bitches. -

But we did want to see the Field Museum. I mean come on, pirates. Anyone who has spent more than fifteen minutes on the internet has had it drilled down into the depths of their soul that Pirates make every experience better. Real world or otherwise. That was all I really knew about the Field Museum, with the twin exceptions that 1) it held a exhibit on Pompeii in the past and 2) The frakking building looks a lot like the Museum of Science and Industry. Stupid Chicago, why did you have to use the same architect for both buildings? Couldn't you afford someone else you cheap bastards?

The adventure began as they often do, leaving town after work on a friday night. Once again we were headed to crash at the Fat Man's for an evening of movies and general geekiness. This time though, I planned to take a different route, something more direct. You know, fewer chances for us to miss a turn and end up spending the weekend hanging with the stone heads at Easter Island. Never underestimate either stupidity or incompetence as potent world shattering forces.

-The Masons, they're everywhere. Run for your lives, there really is a conspiracy! Ahhhhhhhh! -

Expectations and reality never seem to meet up. Instead of a quick and pleasant trip we ran into a traffic jam. Two lanes of highway came to a near complete stop. Half an hour or more we spent reliving a pattern. Lift foot from break, roll forward a car length, maybe two, apply break. Was it an accident? Construction? Hot as hell dance party with nude girls?

Nope. It was a bumpkin magnet. A drag race(or as I prefer to call it, dragshow). Every race loving red neck within a hundred miles seemed to be trying to take the same stupid exit to see the show. They packed themselves into those two lanes, all along the highway both north and south of the bridge. Yeah, it was that huge of a draw for the people in the area. And for those who have never seen a drag race, the festivity consists of a pair of cars starting from a dead stop and driving as quickly as possible, about five hundred feet and then stop. Over and over again. People pay to see it. Hell, they dragged their asses out into the middle of the countryside and braved miles long lines of cars to attend such a spectacle.

I don't understand my species.

- Stupid bald jokes aside, this was my favorite picture from the entire set of some 80+ we took that day. Dutch the magic comet, wrecking havoc in the dinosaur population. -

Maybe if there were swords involved. Chariots and bloodshed. But no, it's just a couple wigged out cars driving in a straight line. Repeatedly. Enchanting.

South Bend is a city I hate driving in, with it's wacky five-way intersections and multiple turnabouts. But now that I knew what to expect, it wasn't really that big of a deal, and in time we found ourselves watching Final Destination 3 with the Fat Man. Odd as that was since Evil and I had never seen the first two. But he does like introducing people to the series with the third movie.

FD3 is basically a hour and a half long excuse to make a film that involves the gruesome death of obnoxious teenagers in an overly elaborate and highly contrived manner. I'm all for teens dying in movies, and it was fun to watch the absolutely brutal fashion in which the writers concocted each and every death. A real gorefest. My only complaint is that they let the kids talk too much in the name of “Character development”. Just kill them and get it over with. Stop putting sentiments that don't belong into the children's mouth, that just makes the movie creepy in all the wrong ways.

With the movie over, we hit the sack. No leaky air mattress for me this time. Instead I took the pillows from the back of the couch. In the morning we sprang up and grabbed breakfast at a local place called the Skillet since the Original Pancake House was packed. The skillet was ok. People were friendly. Buffet was decent, I wouldn't go around craving the food, but I wouldn't veto a return visit either. French toast was awesome. I think they added a dash of nutmeg to their mixture to give it a unique flavor.

- Check it out, the Chefs look a lot like Steve Balmer and Bill Gates of Microsoft. They're diversifying into the greasy spoon market. It's amazing that breakfast didn't crash at least 3 times before we paid the check.

With breakfast behind us we stopped by Meijers to pick up the crappy adventure bling from one of the vending machines. What does it say about my taste that about the only jewelry that I own and wear comes from a vending machine when we go on one of these trips? Tacky? Whatever. A warning though, don't get into the habit. Freaking vending machines are addictive. You keep dropping your money in to see what little surprises that you get. For anyone with a steady paying job, a quarter is next to nothing, and I find it tempting to keep on going to see exactly what all secrets the little machine contains. As was, I spent a good deal more than I intended to, as I was looking for another ring to go with the rest. Took three tries and two cheap necklaces later I got something like what I was looking for. It resembled one of the rings from Captain Planet.

- Now to take these tickets back to the NPC that gave us the quest as proof of completion and get our well earned experience. 100 XP gained! -

With that, we met up with Dutch to start our adventure. The ride into Chicago was about like the first. Driving along in Dutch's car, listening to music as the Fat Man posed his questions of the day as he probed the inner workings of our minds. The first went about like this: (For the guys) You're in a movie theater on a date when a strange woman walks in and sits down next to you, through out the random jump scenes in the movie she shrieks/gasps and grabs your hand for comfort. She never says anything until the end when she gets up and hugs you and then leaves. What do you do?

My answer, Squeeze a breast and tell her that she was welcome. It would only be fair. More so with the awkwardness that she created between myself and my potential date.

Afterwards we moved on the the potential mix cds – this week it was Music to Rock to during the Apocalypse and Songs you should never bring up on a First Date. I am of the opinion that the Gary Jules rendition of Mad world fits well in both columns.

- He he he, Dinosaur Butt! Lolz0rz! -

Interesting conversation makes for a quick trip as we took the highway over the edge of South Chicago rather than just barging through again like last time. Methinks that Dutch and the Fat Man are a little shy of possibly meeting Leroy Brown. The highway dropped us right about where we wanted to be the first time we visited town. Lord be praised. And it was center to the original set of directions that the Fat Man printed off.

The day was drab and overcast and slightly cool, even through my adventuring pants. We bitched about the bad luck with the weather from the moment we stepped out of the entrance to the parking garage. Who wants to visit Chicago on a bland and overcast day? Fuck you nature! We had a two mile walk ahead of us, and the bitching lasted about the first fifteen minutes when our comments and thoughts turned miraculously to “Damn good thing it isn't sunny and 80 today. We lucked out. Thank you nature. Funny what kind of changes that a little exercise has on one's outlook.

- I bet it's one of those creepy ghost ships that appears out of the fog and attacks any poor soul that it comes upon. -

We walked along the lake shore, or rather along the concrete walkway that lined the harbor. The ground was covered with dozens of signs that alternately denoted that swimming and diving were both illegal in the area for whatever reason. But what if you fell in? We wondered. Or were pushed? Would you be required to either float or sink instead of swimming? Could you cannon ball? That isn't a dive. Ohh, check out the weird boat. This brought about the usual shift of my suggesting to Dutch that he do something stupid, which this time involved not only diving into the harbor, but also swimming out to the boat to see what sort of shenanigans that he could get up to. Dutch declined. I need to increase my charisma score and put a few more points into persuasion. That or find someone with severe brain damage.

- Skip ahead folks. This part is a lot like the LoTR movies. A lot of walking interspersed by homosexual midget orgies. -

We got in line and waited to give the City of Chicago our money in exchange for a day's worth of edutainment. Pirates fool, we were there for pirates. The lady at the counter happily took my money and queried whether or not we were part of a group, we were, but not in the manner which she was thinking. There were just four of us involved in the excitement. I told her that we had tried to visit in main but were waylaid by the evil Museum of Science and industry by manner of the fact that the buildings resembled one another.

And that we're retarded.

She just laughed and told me that that was a common error since both buildings had the same architect. No problem, we were here now and we were in. Time to take in the wonders held within the place of Muses.

The main hall of the Field museum is quite a sight A vast open space with a ceiling one hundred feet tall. The floor was speckled with exhibits that won't fit into any other space, from Sue the T-rex to some full sized totem poles. Very impressive and enough to touch off a sense of excitement in History and Science geeks of any age. Glee!

- Hey there Sue, I admit I'm a sucker for a girl with a pretty smile, but I don't like how you're grinning at me. -

Sue stands guard at the north entrance. The world's largest complete tyrannosaurus rex skeleton. Looking up at her, I hate to use a cliché, but I thought she would have been bigger. Maybe it was just the position they had her posed in, hunched over as if she were running to pounce on some unfortunate morsel. Or maybe the movies just gave me an exaggerated feeling of their true size. Whatever. I found myself looking up at the old girl and asking “Is this it?” True, I agree with Dutch's sentiment that I would definitely not want to have her chasing along behind me. Especially with all those years reading fantasy. Animated human skeletons

You might think that our first stop would be the pirates. Wrong sucker. It was the restrooms. A memorable experience that combined sticky floors with the smell of urine. I'd hate to be the custodian in charge of that place, with all the stupid kids coming in, and their inability to aim and shoot accurately. Ick. I doubt the poor bastard gets paid well enough to deal with that kind unintentional (hopefully) infliction of human misery.

I apologize in advance for the lack of photos of the inside of the pirate exhibit, I didn't take any. Not so much due to my immersion into the experience as the fact that photography was banned within, probably on pain of keelhauling. So you get Dinosaur pictures in their place.

- What is the plural of Triceratops? Triceratopseseses. Whatever. What I really want to know is why are the Jurrasic park scientists taking so long to pump these buggers out. think about it, the running of the Triceratopi in San Fransisco. -

The pirate exhibit follows the story of a single ship from its birth in England to its death off the coast of Cape Cod and then finally the enterprise of finding and recovering the loot from the wreck. They had hundreds of interesting artifacts raised from the ship's deathbead, ranging from cannons on down to spoons. The ship had been built as a slave transport, so the exhibit went into depth about the African slave trade and then a general overview of pirate culture of the period.

The creepiest object they had in their collection was a lone leg bone of one of the crew members. Said crew member happened to be a ten year old boy. Looking at the remains of a child pirate dead some two hundred years and entombed at sea is rather, not so much disturbing, but rather uncomfortable. I wonder if there will be stories about the bone being haunted by the child as there often are of various objects owned by the tragically dead. Maybe museum workers will tell visitors about how they see the ghost of a small boy walking around the exhibit at night, just out of the corner of their eye. Ohhh spooky.

- Quick everyone, Gather together like the tourists you are for the standard tourist picture! -

We wandered through the exhibit, reading some, but mostly just studying the objects. As the Fat Man pointed out, one can read about this any time, we were there to see physical artifacts in person. The Field museum has more than can been seen in a day unless you move fast and only browse. We probably only made it through two thirds of the exhibits, and most of those we didn't stop to read even a quarter of the information. This is good for the people of Chicago who have no end of time to visit(if not the money). It is a place of wonders, ancient and modern, man made and natural. Wish we had something as cool around here.

After the tour of the Pirate exhibit we hit the cafe that they 'provide.' Normally one would expect to pay insane prices for mediocre fare. We were all astounded that this wasn't the case. The prices were reasonable and the food was outstanding.

I am, as a side note, aware of cost and value. I have been so since reading Allegory of the Whistle by Ben Franklin. I usually ask myself if what I'm holding is worth what they are asking. It's a build in defense against collecting nick-knacks and starving on ramen noodles. Still, it leaves me looking cheap as hell. But I'm poor, so I have an excuse. I just hope that should I ever manage to strike it big, maybe by striking oil in my back yard, that I have the sense not to blow money like mad on worthless crap. Vending machine treasures aside.

Can't have enough of my precious. ****Warning Obsessive Compulsive behavior developing.****

- Terrorists fistbump in front of the magic mushroom. It doesn't get any geekier than this. -

Fed and happy we got back up and returned to our tour. First up was the section on the history of life as it has evolved on the planet earth. Evil pointed out that creationists should be forced to visit that exhibit if only to finally take away the proper definition of what a Scientific theory actually is so that they can stop using the 'only a theory mentality' to discard scientific data that 'contradicts' their beliefs.

Whatever. The collection was kick ass, with fossils that were hundreds of millions of years old lining showcases. This is where the Fat Man and I lost Evil and Dutch. The Fat Man and I agree on his stated sentiment about being there to see the artifacts. Dutch and Evil obsessively needed to read every single freaking sign posted within a five mile radius of the museum. Everything. It was insane, thought it gave me time to wander around the big room with all the Dinosaur skeletons on display (I doubt that they were actual fossils, but rather casts of the fossils). I got to see some old favorites. Rather one old favorite.

The triceratops has been, in my mind, the most awesome dinosaur ever to walk the world. I've been of this opinion since I was five and discovered dinosaurs. Raptors are cool, specially after the release of Jurassic Park, but the triceras will always be tops for me. Hah. Bad play on language. And you walked right into it. Pwned. I think it's their won't start none, but won't take none attitude that I always imagined them to have. As Teddy might say, they speak softly but have badassed horns. I'll likely forever have that image of them lodged in my mind. The prehistoric giant lizard equivalent of cows.

- Oh no! It's Airsquid! Someone get Godzilla! Ok kids, here's your motivation, that's a giant tentacled creature, and you're all Japanese school girls. alright, scene! -

We wandered through the rest of the upper floor, weaving in and out of exhibits, stopping to look from time to time. So much to see and try to absorb, which is hard when you see something else that is shinier and are compelled to move onwards to see what mysteries that the horizons hold.

We breezed through the morbid collection of dead animals to get to the Maneaters of the Tsvaro. A pair of stuffed lions whose story was featured in the movie “The Ghost and the Darkness”. The son of the founder of the Museum purchased them from the man who hunted them down and killed them sometime back in the 20s or 30s. They were a pair of big kitties and I can see why they would be frightening when on the prowl in the depth of the night. I think that in their own way, the two lions are even more frightening that Sue as they pad along silently in the dark. It would be ever so much more difficult to miss a six ton beast, should it ever decide to try and stalk its prey. Yeah, no dice there big girl.

Second in line for me was the Egypt expo. Hundreds upon hundreds of objects pertaining to ancient Egypt, dug up and then stolen for our enjoyment here in the states. I don't recall any Mummies, the Fat Man says there was at least one. My attention was on all the wonderful little works of art. The priceless trinkets that they have lying around like garage sale castoffs, only in heavy duty jewelry cases. That and dry humping the sarcophagi. Hey man, a man has his needs, and its been a while.

The day was winding to an end, at least for the museum. Bastards close early in the afternoon, which makes sense. I wouldn't want to be one of the workers there, stuck until nigh on forever as a bunch of gawkers wander around jaws agape as they try to comprehend the wonders that they are adrift between. Fuck that noise, better just to expel the visitors, clean up and then go home. So with that coming, we decided to take one last stroll around the gift shop and slip away before security was reduced to using clubs.

- This is a recreation of my favorite scene from Disney's Lion King. The part where the creepy hippy suduces the lioness, PETA style. -

We probably walked a good four miles that way. And that was just between the Museum and our parking garage. Who knows how many miles we put in while wandering the hall of knowledge. By the time we got back out onto the street the soccer game had let out. Going in we saw hundreds of people dressed in blue and white walking around town, they seemed to be congregating somewhere else so we ignored the, They were obviously fans, for Honduras I think, and that meant soccer. Against who? Who cares? It's grown men playing a game. We had better things to do, mostly meet up with my cousin Spank-daddy and find a place to grab dinner before we split back to Southie.

I wanted Chicago style stuffed again. One go six weeks before was hardly enough to satiate my appetite. But I also wanted to try something new. We failed in finding a suitable place within walking distance for a group of people who had already put in several miles and were thus tired and hungry. Spank-daddy suggested Miller's Pub which was close and he had heard good things about. Good enough for us, we took it.

- Yeah. It was tasteless, I admit. But then we are a bunch of big stupid kids. It is amazing that collectively none of us ever joined a frat whilst in school. -

- Goodbye last dollar. Goodbye! -

The place is a pub, a bar and restaurant combined, so I shan't go far into the decor. I will say that the place was packed, with who knows how many patrons enjoying a meal and conversation in the dim interior. People here were dressed for the night out, and the hosts wore what looked like Tuxedos. But despite the crowd we were seated in around 20 minutes. All that without being famous. Good service. I'm cheap, the menu was expensive, so I went with my usual standby. Hamburger. I do love the ground beef placed between a couple slices of bread and paired with some deep fried potato sticks. So simple but so consistently tasty and difficult to fuck up. Whatever, Miller's didn't disappoint here either. The food wasn't world shattering with a bomb of awesomeness, but it was damn good and worth a second look. I'd really like to try the pulled pork sandwich. Maybe next time when we hit the Art Institute.

- You know you want some of this. -

Back in the Fat Man's living room we exposed Dutch to Hudson Hawk for the first time. A crime of the capital order, that the man had never seen Hudson Hawk, as old as he is. Might as well not have seen Star Wars. Pokey, can you believe that kooky elephant?

It was a good weekend, capped off by my giving the race course the bird as we passed it on the way back north towards the homeland. No I'm not bitter. Fucking rednecks.

- The power of Ra compels you! -