Steampunkery commence!

Conventions. I seem to be repeating myself here, a lot. Conventions are a re-occurring theme here abouts. And to be honest, this is a half-assed adventure blog. Gator-wrestling is likely to be out of my realm of experience. As is fighting ninjas/pirates/nazis in the analog world. Well maybe pirates. Fucking pirates, they infest Rennfaires. And the internet. Cheap rum-loving bastards. I'm also not likely to take part in political protests - I don't think a few dozen or even a few hundred angry people waving signs does too much good in our polarized nation. Really, I'll just stay home and bitch/debate online, it gets just as much accomplished (zip).

The adventures tend to lead me somewhere off in time to imaginary places. For the comic cons, we visit the fantasy parallel worlds where super-heros walk the land, and pretty girls dress up in spandex to tease the nerds. Right on. I'm a creepy old perv! Lead the way man!

Next is the on the list is the Renaissance festival. That Disney world of make-believe where everyone pretends to visit Europe of the 1500s. Don't ask me why they grill Maize and smoke Turkey Drumsticks as the common fare for the event. Neither of those were introduced to Europe until well into the 1600s at the earliest. None of that needs explaining at a theme park though, we like our fantasy. And who wants facts to get in the way of a good story? Certainly not I.

What else could be left?

Steampunkery, that's what!

Imagine a world where Electricity, the basis of our modern lives and all of our technological marvels (Refrigerators, televisions, computers and the internet) was never actually invented. Imagine a world where we still use steam to power our world, and where human creativity took steam power to the very limits conceivable by our 20/20 rear-vision. Set it all in the early 1900s where people still appear in Victorian style dress, or better, as cowboys. Airships rule the skies. People use the queen's proper English. All around you can hear people engaged in what they imagine proper turn of the 20^th century conversation as they delve deeper into their characters. Is an image starting to form yet? Good.

According to the Wikipedia The Steampunk movement/genre started to gain hold in the late 1980s and early 1990s. So it's a fairly new experience and relatively unknown to the world at large. In face, the World Steam Expo in Detroit was a first time event. That's not to say that there aren't other Steam Expos, and ones that have been around for years. It is to say, that this is the first time World Steam had appeared. World Steam doesn't yet stack up against some of the other Geek Conventions in which I've attended, at least in sheer size, with hundreds instead of thousands of attendees over the course of the weekend.

I went, for the same reason I always go. To be a slack-jawed gawking Yokel. My path in life seems to be that of a spectator and chronicler. This seems to be a side-effect, or perhaps a contributing factor to my love of History. Which is again why I'm attracted by Rennfaires and the Steampunk lifestyle. Of all the different Geek pageantry I've seen, to be honest I would be most likely to actually put together a Steam-punk outfit to join in the cosplay. I really enjoy the visual aesthetic. And who doesn't want to wear leather and goggles?

I can understand the draw of this Era. Teddy Roosevelt was president. Air Ships and the dawning of our modern world. Britain was at the zenith of it's power and America was a rising star in the world. Humanity seemed to be on the cusp of enlightenment as the secrets of the universe began to open up and we seemed to be the masters of our destiny.

Of course this is rather a rosy painting of the past, as most nostalgically fueled genres. Racism was deeply embedded in our culture, even up to the greatest and most empathic minds of the day. Also, with steam-power the widespread burning of fossil fuels and wood, leading to dreadful black smoke filled skies that we're finally just starting to get away from. With no electricity driven refrigeration food storage was less than reliable. Finally, there was a general lack of medical technology. Did someone out there say anti-biotics? I sure did. all in all, I'd rather live in the present or future.

In fact, this was the first event ever that I've been able to wear a kilt(mostly because it was the first time I've had a kilt – else I would had donned it for Michigan Renn last year). A side-thought, that kilt is the most wonderfully comfortable garment that I've ever owned. I wish I hadn't waited so long.

We were supposed to meet the Fat Man for this, but he backed out due to illness, leaving our group short of any real drive or goals. The Fat Man was the one who happened across the WSE, and was the driving force to see some of the exhibits and acts that the convention had lined up. He wanted to attend at least one of the concerts. So it was up to Evil, myself and The Goths. Sadly my camera died and I didn't get too many pictures this time around. Not even of the rest of my party. Sad day indeed. There were so many pretty girls and great costumes in attendance. A good thing Girls of the Con was around to capture some of them where I generally failed.

Compared to other cons, this one was rather expensive. $30 for a day pass. Also, there was so much less to see, just one largish room with merchants and a couple of acts, as well as smaller rooms with various panels. But then, it is the first year, and the convention is aimed at a smaller core audience. On top of that the attendees were vastly more dedicated. Being a core group, about 90% or more of the people were participating in some level of costumery – be it lame like myself and my manskirt, or quite advanced and intricate like the dude dressed as Steam-Fett.

One thing I noticed about the Steam Con was a higher level, for lack of a better word, purity. Normally in the larger events there are people of all shades of geekdom in presence. Mostly that means cosplayers. You have the pirates and Weeaboo-monkies and Starwars nerds. Trekkies, and Goths and Superheros. All mixed together seemingly at random as the boundaries between the different aspects of geek culture slowly fade away and people get together

For the Steampunk convention, everyone seemed to be on one of two pages, folks who got in the spirit and came in a Victorian style costume, the vast majority, and tourists who wore their street clothes. I was stuck somewhere between page one and two while the Goths went all out with a fantastic costumes. Evil went as a nerd girl, not really dressed as anything, but not in her normal street clothes either. She didn't really seem to drawn any looks or comment. Really, in this sort of crowd, standing out is difficult and the costume needs to be either exceptional and imaginative, or extremely bold or revealing.

There were the usual oddities. Corsets were heavily in favor. As well as women who didn't seem to know when to say when. I am of course referring to the girls who wear corsets so tight that their breasts are forced to try and eject themselves from the garment. Though this is amusing, it falls short of being sexy, while looking quite uncomfortable in the process. This would be a prime example of a failed costume.

The best costumes really looked as if their owners put a lot of time/money/energy/thought into them. Big surprise right? But there were some spectacular and well assembled outfits on the floor. Eureka, this is why I paid my thirty dollars and drove 3 hours on a Sunday! And I thank these people for all their hard work and dedication to their hobby, and sharing the results with the rest of us.

That is another aspect of the Steam con. Maybe I'm biased, as I tend to pay more attention to the female half of the species, but I think that women actually seemed to out-number men here. At Rennfest it seemed to be an equal split, and at the comic con, I would guess 85/15 in favor (or not) of the men.

The downside of This adventure was that the one event I actually attended was less than thrilling. I went to the Air Captain's Job Fair – For captains looking for people to add to their crews. It started around a half-hour late. To top that off, of the eight expected booths, only four captains showed up, making the event rather a flop. The volunteers involved were a little overly self-important and attendance was lackluster. I was hoping for an actual panel where the captains got up and presented information and answered questions. I guess this is more to my preference, since I wasn't channeling the spirit of 1900 and had no idea what sorts of questions I should ask. Maybe I should have done my homework first. No, not me. Instead I stood around in my beloved kilt and watched the goings on for a few, like a nerd-voyeur, before meeting back up with my crew.

We skipped the one Concert that sounded interesting.(disappointing because the clips I listened to sounded good) We went and got nutrition instead. PF Changs again(the last time was for the Fat Man's 30th). There we made a nuisance of ourselves as our group slowly grew from four people to seven. Food-wise nothing special, just a vaguely Asian themed chain restaurant. Tasty, but the sauces have that bottled taste and texture to them. The portions are large. We stayed for about two and a half hours, wowing our waitress with our costumery. We suggested that she hit the convention later on after her shift ended, since she had an interest in Victorian era dress.

After chatting a bit, we put together a conceptual airship crew of our own out of our regular adventuring group:

Josh(One of the Goths) as Captain. This is a bad idea as he tends to get us killed, but he also gets to take the lead due to our general apathy.

Evil – Brutal First Mate. Anyone so named should be in charge of raids and miscellaneous brutality. They can have like a Mal/Zoe dynamic going where Josh gets us into trouble and Evil kills people.

Stacey (Goth Number two) as the Lead Engineer. She has mad hand skillz. That's right, skills with a Zee.

Dora as The Mad Scientist.

The Fat Man as Neelix from Star Trek Voyager (Cook/Morale Officer/Ambassador(He's a chatty bitch)).

Dutch as the master of Arms. He wins by default here since he's easily the most physically fit member of the group. And he tends to have road rage issues. Plus, though he does most of our driving(he has the nicest car) if you combine him with the Fat Man, they tend to get lost. Which leave me.

I get to be helmsman and navigator. If you're still thinking Firefly, forget it. I'm not overly witty, and Evil is my sister.

So this is what I learned from the con, which turns out to be nothing really. It was a good trip.

Unleashing the inner rennie. Twice. I feel so dirty.

- The Gnome Home. Rabid little buggers. -

This has been a summer of firsts for me. First comic con, first time through the Chicago museum circuit. Hear my tale now of the Michigan Rennfest.

I classify myself as a geek. I enjoy movies/tvshows/novels involving science fiction and fantasy. Video and computer games of all sorts. Science and history. Yet despite that I've been self-deprived of geeky gatherings, were my people get together and be what they are. Rabid nerds. The convention, comic or otherwise, is a hotbed of dorkery and a spectacle to be experienced. History and science museums. Both valuable, interesting and entertaining (with the right people). This is my birthright people.

- Gandalf the Potter, recognize! -

No. I'd never been to a rennfest. An admission that must crush my geek cred. I've been passingly curious, but not enough so to actually hit one on my own. I just don't really work like that. I hate to be the sad creepy loner out wandering around in crowds like that. Being a sad creepy loner in the comfort of my own home is fine. I just don't like to put myself on display. Also it was in part that there was no real festival in and about the areas which I lived. Sure, I could have driven several hours to attend, but damn that wouldn't jive with my laziness.

The American Renaissance Festival. I live in a nation that didn't exist when the European Renaissance was in full swing some 600 years ago. The continent was inhabited by civilizations newly discovered(in the minds of my European ancestors) and many of which are now long dead. Despite that, every year across the breadth of this nation there are hundreds of so-called Rennfests. Astonishing. We have about as much claim to the renaissance as Vanilla Ice does to rap music. Or crystal light does to calling a product “Lemonade”. Better to call it powdery water with a flavor reminiscent of citrus. A drink that is a vague childhood memory of what lemonade was actually like – yellow and bittersweet.

That is, we co-opted the European Renaissance and made it our own for the purposes of raking in the cash from suckers who are willing to partake in the spectacle. And spectacle it is. The rennfest is all about spectacle, and is centered on user created content. It's a mishmash of geek culture from the Goths to the furries. Somewhere in the middle lie symbols of the actual historical aspect on which the rennfest is supposedly based. I don't know if the peoples of Europe celebrate the Renaissance in our fashion. I have to doubt it. If anything they probably have festivals that are a mite less shallow and guady. Then again, Disneyland in Paris is the most popular tourist destination in Europe. Maybe it's just a common trait in humans, to take and transform the past to make it seem so much better than it was.

-Ye Old timey Goths. Not succumbing to pleasure. No I wasn't really trying to take a picture of that chick's chest. That was just a happy accident. -

The spectacle is about as historically accurate as a Disney movie. Watered down and made family friendly. Plague, pillage, rape and murder. Gone are the brutality of the times, and in washes a tide of color and idealized imagery. But then it is a faire or a festival. One should expect this. The rennfest becomes rather like a string of late summer Halloweens for adults. A chance to dress up and mingle with other members of an adopted culture. A gathering point for people with similar interests. The renfest is just a convention for a different subset of geeks/nerds/dorks. There is no real need for the festival to resemble reality. People create their own reality.

Then there are a bevy of women wearing scanty costumes and bosom enhancing bodices. Food is plentiful and very tasty and the atmosphere is curious and plesant. So as to say, Fuck accuracy. I really don't want to experience the real thing that badly. The historian in me is curious and a little annoyed at how the world is portrayed and exploited, as I prefer the cold hard facts to some sloppy fiction. But then again, scantily clad women.

The first thing one notices, if they're like me, is that the costume play is far more pronounced at a rennfest than it is at a comic convention. More importantly is the male to female ratio, which is vastly better than the showing at the comic con, closer to a 1:1 basis. Here is a great congregation of female geek folk. The cup runneth over. A big plus. There was a great deal of exposed cleavage, since either standard wenches or pirate wenches are a popular theme. Don't know what they have to do with the renn, but when in Rome appreciate female nudity as the Romans do.

Minuses? Yeah. Inappropriate costuming. Not just the unusual and inexplicable – Please, why were there furries? Were they representing the Japanese medieval period perhaps? – but rather a general disdain for the eyes of the fellow revelers. What has been seen cannot be unseen. Really, if you're 400 pounds and covered in hair, you shouldn't leave your house in a loincloth. This is just good manners. But the disregard seems to be part of the syndrome. Fair enough.

- That bodice is made of leather, and is restraining the goodies within if only just barely. Ensemble is kinda skanky in the Halloween tradition. All in all, I give it an 8. I really need to time travel to the period in history where she took her costume inspiration from. -

Personally I feel no need to dress up. I went wearing my usual adventure pants. Sturdy cargo-pants to soak up the abuse and hold my gear. I was wearing pants and that should be all that is expected. Though I did want to wear a kilt(one with cargo pockets in which to store my gear), but alas, the garment hasn't been finished yet. So next time. I figured the best I could do was to be an obnoxious time tourist, so I brought along a lighter so that I may tantalize the locals with my ability to conjure fire without the use of flint and tinder.

I actually visited the festival twice. Once with the standard crew and a second time to meet the lovely Em.

Evil, the Fat Man and Dutch are all long time festival attendees. Evil actually was active in the festival at her college for a few years. I had no real idea what to expect on going in, though I had heard stories. The stories abounded with crazy. Really, rennies, as Evil tells it, are the outcasts from high school. Outside of the misery that is high school, they gather together, wounded psyches and all, with others of our kind to celebrate their nerdiness...

- Nerds. -

Note, rennies, especially older rennies, don't seem to like the title of nerd. In these modern times nerd is a badge of honor. Of course some use it in a derogatory fashion, but who cares about those chunk-heads. During visit number two with the beautiful Em I learned that there is a special pavilion for the express purpose of holding weddings. My response was 'Holding weddings at a rennfest, now that is a new level of nerdiness.” A lady, possibly drunk, wearing the garb of an elf, that is a pair of cheap pointy ear prosthetics, accosted me. And then proceeded to lecture me on how the rennies were living happily whilst all the jocks and jerks who picked on the nerds in the real world were in cubicals crunching numbers. At least that's what I took from the rant. She was clearly less than happy and holding onto some of her past issues with a death grip.

Rule number one of renfest, don't pick fights with the hardcore. They carry weapons.

- A pretty redhead clad in tights and wielding swords. I am in love. -

So I smirked at her, tried to calm her down. This combination of tactics is mutually exclusive by the way, and weathered her tirade as best I could with out telling her that she was long past high school and she needed to just let that bullshit go and get on with it. I didn't want to get stabbed. She had the crazy and I have a good sense of what is conducive to long life. So I kept my smart ass comments to myself.

- Brother, I hope you didn't pay to do this. At least pay whilst you were sober. -

Back to the story. I visited twice in three weeks. The first time was with the usual crew, plus one. Evil, The Fat Man and Dutch. Evil and Dutch dressed for the event, partaking in the pagentry. Evil just threw on a regular skirt and a renfest-style bodice. Dutch went all out donning his happy pants, thick belt and other such garb.

We teased him for it of course. This is what friends do.

But getting dressed is all part of the fun, and they fit right in. There's a good mix of players and tourists that run a gradient ranging from the hardcore of the rennies, who come dressed in costumes that they spent hours, if not days, making themselves to be either historically accurate or just outright awesome. All the way down to the dude who showed up in blue jeans, flip flops and a cheap pirate hat.

In my opinion the latter end of the spectrum are somewhat insulting to the very concept. If you're not going to fully participate, then at least don't half-ass it and pick something up at Walmart on the way in. Anything less becomes a mockery of what is already almost a parody of actual history.

Michigan Rennfest is a huge business. The company that runs the festival owns the land and has erected permanent structures for the shops and shows. No tents for us, yessir. They claim that the facade represents that of a 16^th century English village or town. I've never been to one. Nor seen photographs. But I have my doubts about how accurate they are in their creation.

Regardless. The place is cool.

- Pink mead drink beverage, just like they made it in 16th century England! Only three bucks a bottle! Gets me into the spirit! -

The approach is screened from the eye by a wall of trees, through the first gate, you pay for your ticket, and then finally through the second gate you behold the modern idea of the said 16^th century English village. An enclosed village at that. It works like a giant loop, the roads/paths are lined with shops and stages. At one end lies what can be termed the village, while a open jousting field dominates side opposite.

For the first visit: We entered at around noon on a hot sunny day. Then we gawked until finally kick-starting ourselves and choosing a direction. Eyes were half on the stores as we passed. Leather works, sword sellers and potters mixed with food booths and stalls to buy trinkets and jewelery. The rest of our attention of course went to our fellow tourists. As I said, the faire is rife with user created content. One moment you might see a gaggle of hot wenches and then the next a man(or woman) dressed in full plate mail. No telling what might come around the next corner.

As a group we made a full turn of the loop, taking in all the sights and marking down the interesting points that we might wish to return to. First full stop was one of the shows.

- That is a whole lot of flaming on one stage. -

Manolette. Manolette was awesome. I won't give away much of his show, beyond to say that it was vastly entertaining and very funny. It was good that he kept it a bit raunchy for the audience even though there were children present. After all, if a parent objects to the content, they are always free to up and leave and allow the rest to enjoy the show. He was lewd and funny and we parted with some of our cash in the form of a tip. I don't know if the performers get paid to entice them in or if they work for whatever they can wring from the audience, I have to think a combination of both. At least with the professionals.

There is a wide variety of shows, though most seem to lean towards the comedic in nature. Don't know why this is. Perhaps a festival atmosphere is the perfect place for comedy. Even the dramatic shows had comedic aspects to them. Jokes interspersed with the action.

The second show we sat down for was The Ded Bob Sho, a ventriloquist act starting a lewd puppet that insulted the audience. Of course we loved him and laughed as he made fun of us even as he delved into the realm of the creepy. That's just how it was. Better yet, his show was stated as being rated pg13. So people, who had been offended in the past, could be warned that the content might not be suitable for their sensibilities. Maybe the warning was sufficient. I didn't see anyone get up and leave.

- Anti-goths or Zombies? Which of the possible answers is scarier? -

Ded Bob is rather a microcosm of the Rennfest experience. He demands audience participation to the point of bringing audience members up onto the stage to play their parts so that they are both being entertained and entertaining in the same breath. And then once the entertaining is done, he solicits for money. A free market at work because people gladly give him large piles of cash as they choose his service.

For my second visit, I merely went to meet up with a friend from school. She loves these things and invited me along for a meet and gawk. I of course said yes for several reasons. And important one being that she promised to wear a chainkini should she get her hands on one. I love to see beautiful women in chainkinis, as they are so very sexy. So I made one for her. At least the bottom half.

- So many dirty thoughts, so little time. -

Five pounds of interlocking galvanized steel rings. Four hundred feet of wire and several weeks work assembling the thing and it was all worth it. Em is quite a sight wrapped in steel. She wore the thing for the entirety of the afternoon, leaving me with wonderful images to keep me warm during the long winter months ahead.

The costumes. They were the best and worst part of the renn experience. By long and far away. Pirates and tavern wenches abounded in all ages shapes and sizes. Good and bad, the young and beautiful came lockstep with the old and saggy. Rennies don't seem to ever grow out of their favorite costumes. It's nice to see people that comfortable with who they are, and it sucks to see people that comfortable with who they are.

-Pirates? Tavern Wenches? Both combined to form lesbians! Glee! -

All in all, I live on the internet, and have seen worse things than people past their prime in revealing costumes. So, no big deal. Just squint a bit and keep on going and go on mining for the gold. It's there in droves. Like the lone Ninja who ignored the centuries long Pirate-Ninja feud and hit the renn on the Pirate themed weekend. The man had balls. I wonder if he was part of a show. And if not, some of the drunken pirates(It's a rennfest, there's a lot of drinking) got together and tried to pound the tar out of him. Either way, the dude is my hero for having balls of pure steel.

Advice? Sure:

→ Try the turkey legs. They're damned good.

→ Take pictures. People there don't seem to mind. They've spent a good deal of time on their costumes and want to show them off.

→ Make sure to bring along cash. I doubt that anyone takes credit or checks.

→ Remember it is a faire, so everything is going to be expensive. They have you by the short curlies.

Taimak, you broke my heart.

The Fatman contacted me a couple weeks back with an interesting proposal. He and Dora had made plans to visit the MotorCity ComicCon. Neither of them had even been to a comic convention before and as geeks they were interested to partake. Did I want to join?

Mayhaps.

Think of it chums. Comics, nerds and booth babes. An explosive mix.

-Does this guy even know his customer base? He dedicated a third of his display to Twilight. A third. I didn't see that many thirteen year old girls running around the floor. Just a lot of sweaty mens.-

I'm really not into comic books. I've enjoyed them, especially graphic novels. But I've not purchased one for years. Nor am I really that into toys, or anime, or paying high prices for t-shirts. I prefer gaming and fiction to the other forms of geekiness. Sadly, my two preferred forms of sport were largely ignored.


Enter Spectatormode.

-Wow, she's come far in life. All she needs is a porn movie of her very own. Wait. She already has one of those. Career complete.

There was a fairly extensive list of celebs and quasi-celebs. Some genuinely fit into the expected mold quite well. Carrie Fisher, the uber-sex-symbol from Star Wars was slated to be there. Sans metal bikini. Hell yeah I want to meet her. The likely non-existant girl that fills my fuzzy dreams is usually at least at one point clad in said garb. I first saw Return of the Jedi when I was about 5 years old. Even then Slavekini clad Fisher was hot.

Sadly, Carrie Fisher was only going to be at the convention on Saturday and Sunday. Damnation! Curses! Skullduggery! Oh well, we still have Taimak.

As were several actors from some of our favorite sci-fi shows. Battlestar Gallactia, Star Trek Voyager. The Dukes of Hazard. Really? The Dukes of Hazard? Who spilled the Billy Beer in our Mountain Dew? I mean come on. Catherine Bach is a little beyond the age of being delightful to see in a pair of low-riding Daisy Dukes. She's still a pretty mature woman, but she's no longer a sex-kitten.

-It was a great panel, funny and informative. But what the hell is that pink shit that he's drinking.-


The rest of the list seemed to be a haphazard mix of everything from aging wrestlers from the 1980s, to Playboy Playmates. Beautiful booth goddesses descending from their crystalline pedestals to tease a bunch of nerds who would be a mere table's width away. So close and so very far. Really it was like a zoo of duality. The geeks and nerds got to come in and view the beautiful and famous, who in turn got to see a parade of the Dork Elite.

Imagine it, all the inherent dorkiness of the internet concentrated into one large, hanger-like convention hall. Was I interested? Maybe. What's going on? Wait, Taimak is going to be there to meet his fans? Glee!

Fuck Yeah! I want to meet me some Bruce Leroy! We should cosplay and go dressed as Sho'Nuff and his entourage. The Fatman thought that an awesome idea, in theory, but a little cumbersome in practice. We're lazy people.

The day started out with Evil and myself meeting the Fatman and Dutch in K-zoo for a little pre-carpooling breakfast action at the International House of Pancakes. Lewis Black's premiere health club. A place where they have several different and rather random varieties of syrrup at your beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A place where they have the Bacon Lover's Omlette. Six strips of bacon and chedder cheese all wrapped in a blanket of eggs. A delightful experience for those who don't wish to make it all the way back to their car before their heart explodes.

-Dutch and the Fatman from the lesser known Backstreet Boys collection. They have style and dancability. The chicks, they go mad for the goodness. -




-Dutch, using his Blackberry to look up the Boysenberry. Ironic!-

You will never hear me utter the phrase 'Hey, let's goto the IHOP.' In any of it's possible variations.

Tis a two and a half hour drive through rustic farm-land between K-zoo and Novi, driving along traffic infested highway. Dutch was trying for a new local land speed record, along with about half the rest of the people on the road that day.


- The unstoppable FIB Canuk! -

The first thing I really noticed about the convention is that the vast bulk of the patrons is made up by sad creepy bastards just like me. This was expected. I know my own people. But still surprising. Nerds of all shapes and color had convened for this sacred yearly rite. Though mostly they were round and pale and were the carriers of the Y chromosome.

I spent most of the afternoon walking the aisles and taking in the ambience, which was mostly a dull roar of conversation on all sides and a moving mass of geeks.

-I'm pretty sure that the lady at the far right is cosplaying as a preggers!-

Really ninety-percent of the population was male. There is nothing like watching two forty year old men, balding with grey hair, running around and giggling like 10 year olds. Good on ya gents, keep it real. I didn't get a picture. This is completely awesome for the female or gay male crowd who happens to enjoy experiencing an exhibit of sweaty pudgy manflesh. It was kind of like being surrounded by a blubbery maelstrom. I still feel dirty from the experience. Hot water does little to cleanse those memories I tell you.


-Naked Killer! Hell yes! This one has got to be a story driven by strong characters and a well developed plot!-

I think this is why they import the Playboy models and such, to restore some of the balance. And because lonely geeks really enjoy looking at pretty, scantily clad, women. Even if it's from a distance. Man, the creepiest part was the dude who was taking pictures from 50 feet away using a telephoto lens. As Evil said, just go up and talk to them, that's why they're here. Then again, the gorgeous women have sort of an aura of unapproachability, especially for my people. They were there to buy comics and geek out, not tragically fail at hitting on a woman way out of their league.

There were even some pretty girls wandering around the floor who were neither hired booth babes or goddesses. I think. It's a temptation to say 'they were female, they were there and thus they were gorgeous'. But I wasn't that far withdrawn from reality, yet. There were some real beauties, both as attendees and as workers in the various shop booths. One particularly pretty redhead stands out in memory. She made eye contact. I wonder how a conversation would have gone down, specially with my inability to make small talk.

-I don't know who she was, but I took this picture because what she's doing with her foot freaked me out a bit. Not because she's female and is in possession of a fine posterior. That was just a fringe benefit. It would seem that that sort of joint flexibility is common in females. Who knew?-

I was disappointed by the lack of cosplayers in the crowd. Geeks getting dressed up as their favorite characters. I was expecting them to be a dime a dozen. Really they were perhaps only a dozen total. Sure, there was the mighty lord Vader and his Storm Trooper minions. Girls dressed as Princess Leiah (no Slavekini's,sadly). One cute chick dressed as Poison Ivy, a costume which involved a corset and some green panties. She looked good. I was definitely a fan. Hurrah for pretty girls in skimpy costumes!

-Dude is much skinner than his movie made him out to be. -

So I went to the convention for one reason. To meet Taimak and get my copy of the Last Dragon signed by his own bad self. He wasn't there. I must have passed his booth a dozen times. If the goddesses took notice, no doubt they marked me as some sort of weirdo sex offender who was stalking the area like a horny chipmunk. Still no Taimak. Worse for him I guess, he was to be seated next to the beautiful Chanel Ryan. Had I thought of it at the time, I would have asked her what was up with her neighbor, and then gotten her to sign my copy of the Last Dragon. Or perhaps I did think of it and didn't have the cajones to go do so.

So with a heavy heart, we left the convention to go home. Well, first our last meal together. We hit a small greasy spoon across the street from the convention. The place was nearly abandoned and the waitress took a sadistic, and hilarious, pleasure in fucking with yours truly. The food was edible, if not memorable. The Fatman got the Hamburger's Lover Omelet, which lead to painful events later on. Not much of a capstone for the day, if somewhat appropriate.

-That was just on the floor of the diner. I needed a picture of it to make the day complete. -

Strange sights beheld:
A grown woman sitting on the floor flipping through Playboy magazines.
"The hunchbacked Lesbian"
Cosplayers.
Two 40 year old men running around like 10 year old boys away from their mother.
Voyager's Ensign Kim (Garret Wang) with long hair.
Storm Troopers playing DDR.
Attractive females who actually seemed comfortable.
Random WW2 veteran.
Cosplayers taking pictures of cosplayers.
The crazy goth-sith chick who was probably just cosplaying as herself.
Dora The Explorer, on the same table as the Zombies board game.

Lessons Learned:
Rule 34, it never fails. Stupid hamburger lovers.
I am not nearly as geeky as I once thought. Such arrogance I had in my youth.