He's here? This place is over.

Oh, I've not written one of these in a while have I?

Ah yeah, that's because I've not done anything. Anything worth prattling on about. I can only say so much about the variety of ciders I've tried(now I'm branching out to wines too – still hate beer) Mostly work. No travel. More work. There is an old saying: time drags slowly when you're having pharm. By old, I mean that I made it up earlier this week. That feels like ages ago. Ages.

The new job turned out exactly as expected. Dull, repetitive, and loaded with interpersonal drama of the stupidest sort. You would think that Pharmacists, being a highly educated group of people, would be prone to acting like adults. But Pharmacists be crazy. My ex-comrades in delivery used to ask whether or not I missed driving.

Yes, I do, every day that isn't pay day. And on paydays, only when I'm not thinking about my check. With overtime I'm making about $400 more a month than I was as a driver. That means a lot of ten and twelve hour days. Standing all that time sucks and the tedium grinds me down. I've spent some 50 hours a week in the pharmacy since December. But the pay is nice, and I still have student loans. So I keep on trudging on.

When I first got the job, I was asked by a couple of the managers how I liked it. I told them that it was boring. If I had my way, I would be making my living as a hack novelist. But I need to eat and so I'm here. Some folks consider telling the CFO of your new company to his face that your job is boring is a bad idea. They are probably right. I got called into my manager's office and bawled out for being 'negative'. Negative is what they call honesty when they don't want to hear what you have to say.

Or maybe I just have poor attitude. I try to keep a big-picture outlook. I have a job, it pays better than anything I've had before while killing me less slowly than others. I don't despise the company that I work for, and well enough like most of my co-workers(though I wish that they would just shut the fuck up!). These are all things working in my favor. A solid understanding that I'm not alone in disliking my job helps too. All in all I'm supposed to be in a good place.

Our company was bought out by a larger pharmacy that was seeking to expand into this state. Said larger pharmacy was then purchased by an company that runs retirement homes all across the region. We've been going through enormous changes since I started the job. Constant changes. I've tried to roll with them, shrug my shoulders and keep going.

I try not to get angry or upset. Usually I can just remain detached. At least one co-worker is impressed with the skill. Some days it is the only thing that keeps me from giving up and quitting. Those days that we are just so damned overwhelmed with the constant deluge of work that seems to accumulate into a larger and larger pile as our little company takes in more business than we are equipped to handle. As all of the bugs in our new systems bite. Despair is held off by my thin veneer of calm.

Ever heard of a shitstorm? Sounds unpleasant yes? Well I shall introduce a new term, the Fecaelstrom. The eternal whirlpool of excrement that powers the surrounding shitstorm. We're ever closer to going over the edge.

Every now and again, when I can summon the energy, I look into applying for jobs elsewhere. By elsewhere, I mean both out of town and away from Pharmacy. I have three filters on all of the jobs I apply for. The first is that I need to feel qualified. Second, that I would want to do the work. Finally, that I can afford to live on what it pays. I don't apply often.

In the end, I'm looking to trade up over the current job. That is the goal we all share isn't it? This isn't even about money. I just want to make a living doing something I don't actively dislike.

I found a fantastic job for the BLM in Portland Oregon. The position was for a writer-editor, and they were looking for someone who knew photoshop and dreamweaver. I am a master of photoshop, and have a passing acquaintance with dreamweaver.

I've many reasons to want to head out in that direction. Some I admit to, while others I keep close. Private. All in all, I've had little real direction, only an urge. Portland seems as good a place as any, I have seen Portlandia, and it neather attracts nor repels me. I am not one to make the scene.

Mostly I just wanted the job. And a better climate. And a few other things to boot.

After applying though, I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and grew to like the idea. It has been ages since I was excited about a project. Really, truly excited. The thought of escaping to something better has been driving me for the last three weeks. I checked the application status more than I check my book sales. I imagined what the interviews would be like. And living in a new city. Plans were made. I started working on the logistics of the move, what more I was willing to part with. I looked at apartments near the office. I found one that I liked and stopped looking(only partly because it was premature).

Because this is how I am. I wrap myself in fantasy. Maybe you are this way as well.

One side of my brain, the realistic side, grumbles that I'm not likely to get the job, that I'm not qualified enough. Then there's the part that says “Buying a lotto ticket is a brilliant idea! This plan can't fail! Woooooh look a shiny thing!”

I applied. I waited. I watched.

I try to stand at the edge of the two sides, in that shadowy edge were light meets darkness. The optimism keeps scourging me forward, while the pessimism allows me to remain grounded in the disappointment to come.

Got an email today. I was passed over, as more than enough qualified Vets applied. Now I am disappointed, but not surprised. Back to looking. Sometimes I catch a bit of glint. Hope is addictive.

As a note, today's blog title was the one I was planning to use when writing about my arrival in Portland.