In Between a Attled Sea and a Port.

All good things must eventually come to an end. I don't know who invented that phrase, but it has long since passed into the cliché bargain bin. If it were a movie, it would be Beastmaster 3. And I still can't resist picking it up and using it myself. Also like Beastmaster 3.

Our last meal in Seattle was I think one of the beast breaking of fast that I've ever had. I went with a roast beef hash that was the special for the morning. It was either that, or the Chorizo biscuits and gravy. For me, this was my Sophie's Choice moment, and that is without a bit of hyperbole. Not a jot. Big decision.

As a rule of life, if it sounds good, always go with the special.

We checked out of our hotel and I was reacquainted with how hill-infested the region actually is. And as I lugged my 50 pound bag the two miles between us and our destination at King Street Station,I kicked myself along the way for not bringing along a backpack. Nope. I had to opt for the duffel bag. Stupid. Fortunately my arms are big and muscular. Unfortunately the previous statement is a lie.

The train was late. Go Amtrak! Nothing else to add to that. We just got/had to hang around the train station for a couple hours longer than we had planned. Alls well, the décor was worth an extra gander and I got some good pics before they called us to board the train.

I had been looking forward to the train ride since booking the trip. A train seemed like an easy way to get out and enjoy the scenery, as it passed your window at 60 miles per hour. I was facing backwards, and the weather was overcast and foggy. Foggy and overcast. I don't need to make that tire ass Seattle joke do I? Because I will. No joke is too tired for me.

The very first thing I noticed as we made our final approach into Portland were the garbage streams. Not literal rivers of garbage, but streams of refuse that seemed to be flowing down hill. As if a landfill got all biblically gone done pulled a flood and then just projectile vomited its inner secrets unto the world. That was what the road to Portland looked like. Trashslides and rubbivulets.

Behold the beauty of the Pacific North West in all of its splendor!

The station we arrived at lacked the grandeur of the one we had left behind, it was much more utilitarian and pedestrian. Which in retrospect seems fitting and an apt metaphor for a comparison between the two cities. Odd, as Portland has somewhat of a reputation for being a wild and weird frontier city. You would expect their public buildings to reflect that more.

To be honest, Oregon as a whole struck me with a similar vibe. Like they had been a meeting point between hippie and cowboy and created some sort of self-hating mutant hybrid. Or maybe a pair of siblings that both thought that they alone should inherit the estate. Oregon is a weird place. I liked it.

The weather was sunny and beautiful. Which is exactly how I remembered Portland. The one time I visited. Three years ago. For about 1 day, before I shuffled off to Eugene to hang out with the one person I really wanted to fly across the country to see. Didn't see her again this time. I made missteps and things seemed awkward. I don't seem to have the social wherewithal necessary to unawkward the whole mess.

I am pretty good at regret though. And revisiting embarrassing memories. I'm tops at that. Shit, I should get a medal.

So yeah. Portland.

We didn't spend much time wandering around down town.  Only stopping briefly to pose for a photo near a giant eye sculpture.  A giant eye sculpture with a steering wheel and captain's chair.  Eye Eye Captain.

 Because fuck that. Remember the whole “I'm carrying a bag thing from earlier”? Yeah, touristing can wait. Once again, we hopped the train and rode the rails. All the way up to the hotel that I stayed at during my last visit. I recalled it was clean, near the airport, and a half block away from the Red Line.

The rest of the evening was going to be spent unwinding. Unwinding, on a vacation. It sounds stupid when I read aloud my words to myself. But that was what we did. We hung out in the room and watched Rifftrax on my phone, until we ventured out to eat.

The discussion followed the form of: “What about?” “No”. For a distressing amount of time. Until we chanced upon El Sombrero. What is El Sombrero you ask? Well that is a stupid question. But I'm really good at answering stupid questions, and usually with only a limited amount of condescension and sarcasm.

El Sombrero is a Mexican joint that serves “Basic no frills Mexican fare.” What I consider standard Mexican food. Combo plates that automatically come with sides of Beans and Rice.

Dude, I live in a city with a sizable Latin population. There are numerous taquerias. So I suppose that I can be argued that visiting a foodie Mecca like Portland to eat at a basic Mexican joint probably as blaspheme against some minor hipster foodie deity. And fuck that tight pants bearded asshole. Lets get us some Mexican! And not even fancy Mexican Fusion made from exotic blends of unexpected ingredients that elevates the meal from simple sustenance to an art form. An experience.

Nope. Just tacos and beans and rice.

And goddamnit was it phenomenal. If El Sombrero was here, it would be on my “Visit this place more often” list, as we bookended the day with amazing eats.

Foreshadowing and spoilers, but this was the best meal I had in Portland.

Seattle, we hardly knew you!

We broke fast at the aforementioned Biscuit Bitch. Adam felt that they were trying too hard to be edgy. I felt that Adam should shut is fucking face until the biscuits and gravy arrived, and then re-open his face and fill it with biscuits and gravy. He can go stand next to that.

We only had made any concrete plans for the evening. We signed up to take a couple tours. First the underground tour, and then the haunted Seattle ghost tour. I was excited about the first, and ambivalent towards the second.

But in the mean time, we were going to hit up the Boring Tour. Boring Tour, I know right? With a name like that I was sold immediately! Neo-hipster feed on irony!

Our path took us past the King Street Station, our portal out of Seattle and onward to the southlands, and to the International District. On the way there, I got yelled at by a homeless man who wanted to know what I was looking at. As I felt I did not wish to get stabbed by someone who was unhinged enough to yell at a random passerby, I decided I wasn't looking at anything. He too felt that this was a good choice.

My companions wanted to visit Uwajimaya in the International District. That's right, we flew thousands of miles and walked across a city to visit a supermarket. All be it, one with a rather expansive selection of goods from all over South East Asia, but still a super market. I made the best of it by taking pictures of any of the products that caught my interest. Dragon Ball Z themed beverage drinks? Damn scootin!

I listen to the Dan Carlin Hardcore History podcast. It's rather dark and brutal, most of the time, but he often offers a rather cool hypothetical: if you could get 4K HD footage of any time and place, what would you choose? For me, Yukon Gold Rush era Seattle(and Portland) are high on my list. I'd like to travel back to then and there and poke around a bit, for maybe a week or two. And hope not to get stabbed/shot/Shanghai'ed in the mean time.

That period and place fascinates me. I grew up in Alaska, so there is a connection with my past. This made me rather interested to explore the Gold Rush museum. I don't think that the content and presentation was intended for our age group. Who cares dagnabbit! History and Seattle and Alaska! Woooooh! There's gold in them there hills! ETC.

We wandered about the Pioneer area afterwards, as we waited for the Boring Tour to start. Noting several choice spots to visit. There was a glass-works, and the totem poles, and we happened to be there just in time for the unveiling of a monument dedicated to firefighters. The Utilikilt store(I did not get one, they cost about what my grocery budget is for a month).

Sara works in a library, so we made sure to hit up the main public library building. Which is well worth checking out. The architecture alone would have been enough to leave a hefty impression as by itself it is a work of art. But one that is full of books. Books and art. I'm fucking in baby, lead the way!

Adam, go stand next to that!

I won't bother describing the museum. A simple google search will provide a slew of photographs. I will say that I wish out town had the like, and we spent some time wandering around, all the way to the very top, at which there is a walkway that allows you to look down upon the vast open area, five or more stories below. The lizard portion of my brain did not appreciate me saying “nah brah, it'll be totally cool!” Fortunately, the lizard portion of my brain did not have access to the “evacuate waste” functions.

I stepped away from the edge.

This may not be a surprise, but the Boring tour was kind of a disappointment. I mean, the epiphany blind-sided me, but I'm dumb.

The information that they presented was interesting. The project was hella-cool(cutting a tunnel beneath a vibrant city? Bad ass nerditry that!) No, for some reason I had concocted the hope that they would actually let us see the machine in action. Instead we got so see models, and then were lead outside to see the entrance. Balls!

For lunch we were back at Pike Place for some Mediterranean street food. As life is about choices, and regret, we had to turn down the tantalizing German cuisine. Though I suspect that those words are seldom strung together into a single phrase. Walking on past was difficult, and something I still kick myself for as I look back through my photo album.

As we killed time before the underground tour, we found ourselves back on the shoreline. Our GPS came back with an interesting hit called “Ye Olde Curiosity Shop”. And I was intrigued. Because that has to be the most touristy tourist location that ever touristed! And so it was! The shop turned out to be something between a freak show and a souvenir stand, one that had been in business for more than a century. While I suspect that only a portion of their collection was on display, it still only ranked as the second most creepy place I'd visit that night. Even with the shrunken heads.

The underground tour. This was it. Our guide was a pretty blond who was a 4^th generation Seattle dweller. One can't really call her a native, for obvious reasons, but she has roots in the community. And it showed.

Seattle is built on mud-flats and sawdust. Literally. And after an early apocalyptic fire destroyed the first incarnation of the city, the lords of the city developed a master plan that required street level to be increased by about ten or so feet. This would involve a process of tearing down and washing away the many hills that surrounded the city, and re-using the earth to created raised road-ways. But alas, this would have taken years, and the business community didn't wish to wait. Enter the underground. The built two front entrances in the buildings as they erected them. One on what was then the ground floor, and another on the first story. And as the roads were raised, the ground floor would eventually become a sort of basement that was covered over by the side-walks. And over the years they have been used for just about every purpose imagined, both legal and otherwise. Cool place.

I hadn't realized this about myself, but it seems that I have a type. Looking back, she would be Cute, with curly hair, and have a thing for history. I had fallen for that type before. I couldn't discern our muse's marital status, due to the the bevy of rings that decorated her fingers, but I have to conclude that such a gem wouldn't be left unclaimed for very long. Onwards.

We sat down at a place called the Bookstore Bar. I felt out of place. But I often feel out of place around people. Sara met up with a friend and we had drinks and dinner as we waited for the ghost tour to start. The Bookstore bar was poorly named as the only books on display seemed to be props. Bah upon it all!

No matter, by then I was completely zonked. 3 days of waking up early and touristing and the jet lag was finally catching up with me. I cut out on the ghost tour and walked back to the hotel room, ate my second cinnamon bun thing from the Russian bakery and crashed. Tomorrow would bring a change in scenery.

Attled by the Sea, day two Electric Boogaloo

The next morning I found myself at a local cafe that papered its walls with pages from Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. I don't know why, on either account, there it was and there I was. The biscuits and gravy jumped out at me, because A) Biscuits and Gravy and B) The whole soaking in the local culture thing that you're supposed to do whilst traveling. But really, Biscuits and Gravy.

I noticed one thing about the Seattle food scene, they seem to have adopted Biscuits and Gravy as their signature dish. Out of all things, biscuits and gravy. They have a local chain called Biscuit Bitch(which is where we broke fast the next morning). I love you Seattle. You are the Rosario Dawson if cities, too cool for me, but I shall ever be your admirer from afar. All this talk of food is making me hungry. Need to score me some B&G.

Peering to the south out of our hotel window, I noticed that half a score of cranes brushed the sky in downtown Seattle. The city was was booming and expanding. That much was obvious even to a pleb such as myself. I love walking among the tall buildings. I wanted to see the heart of Seattle up close.

Our second full day was going to be devoted entirely to wandering around downtown and engaging in standard issue touristy activities. We picked up brochures and everything!

First stop on the list was the Pike Place Market. Being a Neo-Hipster, and I don't know what that means but it sounds like a cool title, I really didn't have any interest in Pike Place Market. Being a moron, I discovered that I was wrong, it is a reoccurring life lesson.

Pike Place Market is cool. There is a reason why tourist hot spots are tourist hot spots. That is because they are fucking worth seeing. The Market is just that. Originally created as a farmer's market in 1906, a place where locals could purchase fish and vegetables and the like. And it has retained this mission, adding bakeries and restaurants to the mix(or maybe they were always there).

To my eyes Pike Place seems to be a sampler plate of the city at large. A bustling zone of enterprise on the seaside. One that is infested with tourists and surrounded by the homeless. Both parties seemed to largely ignore one another's presence.

Wandering through the bustle was enjoyable. Really, who can turn down a place that tiles the bathroom with XY and (I assume) XX to differentiate between the accepted patrons? And the stores? Knick-knacks, goo-gaws and doo-dads abounded in many of the stores, as they tried to separate tourists from their money with a wide variety of souvenirables. Me? I bought a couple-three post cards as I browsed the stores and held onto my wallet. Which was tough going when I hit up the game store, and more so when I came across the used book store. Fuck yes there was a used book store. Fuck yes I went.

The book dealer hipped us to our next stop, the Seattle Art Musuem. They were having a free day. My cheap ass is all for free whilst visiting an expensive city. We sallied forth further on up the hill. Stopping at the Russian bakery to get a sort of cinnamon roll concoction. A. Hah. SEVERAL. It is absolutely amazing that I managed not to gain several pounds while on this trip. But then, spending all day walking up hill in the rain, does appear to burn calories.

The Seattle Art Museum was enjoyable. I don't wish to sound contrite by saying that. Or patronizing. I've been to the Art Institute of Detroit, and it is a far more impressive collection that was amassed in a bygone day. Not to mention the Art Institute of Chicago, a world class museum. After these grand old academies, Seattle's offering seems a mite provincial.

But Detroit is sliding into it's dotage, so perhaps Emerald City, with it's wealth, will one day surpass the Motor City, as the former approaches it's own zenith.

No. I walked through Seattle's art museum and enjoyed every step.

Lunch took us to the in house brewery at Pike's Place. Who doesn't want to cap the morning with a burger and a beer? Well for me cider. The burger was satisfying. Nothing amazing. But good. The cider on the other hand was fantastic. Wish I remembered what it was.

And I had the only real aside interaction with a human being in Seattle. Let me explain the thought. We interacted with people, servers and staff and what-not, but only on a direct business basis. What do you want, I want that, here it is. And so forth ad infinitum. But nobody else really went beyond that point.  Except our server at The Pike Brewing Company.  He commented on my awesome Bubble Bobble T-shirt.  I agreed it was awesome.  Human connection made.

Generally I'm fine with the lack of being noticed. As reclusive introvert, I try to avoid interaction with strangers. On a few occasions I even made small talk myself. Like offering game suggestions to a pretty blonde(why is it always blonds?  I prefer redheads) in the Market, and asking a group of gentlemen if their hats signified an adherence to Jayne(they did not, they were from pumpkinfest).  But I did find myself trying.  

Seattle seems kind of cold like that I've noticed.  And also, have been informed.  Something called the Seattle Cool, where people just don't want to be bothered by strangers.  I hear that they resent all the new folks for moving in and driving up costs.  For being such a liberal city, they sure do sound like a bunch of stodgy old conservatives.

Afterwards we wandered on along and came to a fine chainsaw carving of sasquatch. Yes, I did pair “fine” with “Chainsaw carving of sasquatch”. Yes, I do own and un-ironically wear a tuxedo t-shirt.

Sasquatch abetted me with both my finest and final round in my game of Hey Adam, go stand next to That! On the downside, he refused to play afterward, but on the up, I got photographic evidence of Adam clocking sasquatch's package. Boo-yah!

After lunch our little group split up. Adam joined me for a walk through the sculpture park. Which, I didn't realize that we reached until we were at the end, and I asked where it was. Adam, being somewhat more on top of things, and holding the GPS, informed me that it was behind us. I had been looking at, photographing, and commenting on the art as we walked along the beach. I just failed to string together the facts.

I'm not retarded, I'm just a little slow.

We kept on rambling. Sort of. I had a plan. Adam was just along for the ride. Ride? Stroll.

I had noticed earlier, atop the hill to the north, a large concrete structure. It looked like a relic from the past, not a ruin, but an old turn of the century building that gave off High School vibes. I wanted a closer look.

On our way up, we passed a Scientology building. No jokes there. We didn't wish to attract their ire. Where they would have opened the gates and released Kristie Alley on us. Or worse, Jenna Elfman. We passed by quietly and kept our thetans to ourselves.

I had a refrain as we walked up Queen Anne Hill, which I would later find out is the tallest hill in the city, and that mantra was “We gotta be getting close!”

You see, or you don't see as it turned out, the hill was rather steep, and it was difficult to ascertain from the bottom of one block where the end would be. And by the time we finally summited, I had stopped caring what the building was. But it was a high school, or had been. Now it was lofts. And I was tired.

On our way back to the hotel, Adam and I stopped to admire a fountain that stood within the Space Needle park. It danced and sprouted to rock music, and I took several pictures as I stood underneath the dreary clouds.

Wandering around before dinner, I snagged a lovely selfie there, underneath the Space Needle. I was giving my camera the bird. Classy yes? I intended to send that picture to anyone at work who bitched about how busy they were. I never had to use it. Dicks.

Dinner was at Dick's Drive In. A Seattle institution. Cheap burgers and fries. It was a nice break from the more expensive fare that we had been gorging on. And enough to put us to sleep when we got back to our hotel room. Well, after we stopped at a Walgreens so my companions could score some beer.

Here's a fun fact, Seattle is so fucking geeky, that the Walgreens that we visited sold board games like Forbidden Island and Munchkin. Seattle, what a cool city!  And no, I shall not be doing a Yakov Smirnov impression... In my city Walgreens has enemas and hungry hungry hippos!