Rifftrax goodness.

Rifftrax Live: Night of the Living Dead.

I am a rather zealous fan of MST3k(Mystery Science Theater 3000 -If you don't know what it is, kindly visit Google.com and remedy this. I'll wait. And maybe finish this blog post in parenthesis, e.e. Cummings style. mikenelsonwasstrandedinasatelliteinspace) and have been since Junior High back in the early 90s when the show made its debut. Whilst in college I managed to acquire quite a collection of episodes thanks to the power of the internet. Yep, while the other kids were drinking, socializing, and studying, I put my energy into finding every episode of a dorky 10 year old television show.

Mission accomplished. But how it cost. It seems that the girlfolk are as little impressed with a large collection of illegal copies of a obscure show from cable television as they are with one's ability to beat Super Mario 2 using just Toad. I don't know what terrible realities that this fact implies about our society, but I fear for our future.

I love the show, and use it as part of my model for my perfect (and fictitious) future bride. Intelligent. Geeky. Looks good clad in the metal bikini from Return of the Jedi(or dressed as Velma from Scooby-Doo – I have expanded my horizons some). Likes/loves MST3k. Where are you dream girl? Cause I'll be hiding in my apartment and avoiding the real world when you're finally ready to come find me!

Basically the show is this: A man is launched into space by a pair of mad scientists. The Mads are running experiments on the simpleton in the form of forcing him to watch the worst movies ever made so that they can find the worst of the worst and use it as a weapon to conquer the world. Said victim makes several robots to keep him company while he's trapped on a satellite orbiting the earth. Finally, it all boils down to a trio of characters making wisecracks at terrible movies for our enjoyment.

If you like it, we are cool.

Sadly, MST3k was canceled in the late 90s. Which makes sense, it had quite a run and I expect that most of the people involved wanted to get on with the lives and do something else.

For a little while at least.

They've come back. With Gusto!

First there was the Film Crew – which was almost a carbon copy of the old show, down to the host segments(sketches) that broke up the films into easier to swallow doses. The Film Crew was comprised of half of the Mst3k cast and they released 4 movies before running into legal issues and then moving on. If you've not sampled their wares, I suggest going straight for the gold and jumping into Wild Women of Wongo.

Finally came Rifftrax. Rifftrax is basically MST3k without the host segments. But more than that, they are no longer affected by budget issues. One of the main difficulties of the original show is that they were constrained to public domain films, or whatever drek they could get on the cheap. But with the power of science, chemistry, industry and technology they only need to record the track to whatever movie they desire. The end-user provides a copy of the movie and downloads the appropriate file, and bam, comedy gold.

They've got quite a catalog. Check it out. 

Recently, they've added a new trick to their repertoire. Live shows that they beam internationally(Canada counts as internationally). This is exactly what it sounds like, you goto the theater and watch the movie as the crew performs their riffs in front of an audience.

While driving over, it occurred to me that I'd be stuck in a theater for some 2 hours. In my late teens and early 20s I would have started to panic at the thought – to the point that it colored my whole outlook on life. And still taints how I think of things to this day – thus the aforementioned thought. I shrugged off the notion. Amazing enough as that is - but by and large I've gotten over the worst of my anxiety – and then went on to enjoy the evening.

That's it. I sat in a theater with a friend and laughed my ass off for the better part of two hours. Night of the Living Dead was the second time I saw a Live event (the first was Starship Troopers). It was a fantastic experience, and I look forward to the December 5^th showing of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Zombie Run. Geekiness and athletics are like oil and water.

Oh the Zombie Apocalypse! The meme seems to have spread everywhere in Pop-culture these days. As someone who writes zombie stories I suppose that I should be delighted by the sudden upsurge in my favored genre. And in fact I am. Tickled!

There are movies and tv shows and novels aplenty as everyone seems to jump in with both feet. Enough to feel drowned out in the clamor. Zombies in nerd/geek culture have been huge for decades, many of us look forward to the coming zombie apocalypse, to the point that I named my first novel Rapture, reflecting my view that my people look forward to the undead uprising with the same rabid fervor that Evangelical Christians reserve for their expected return of Buddy Christ.

Have you ever discussed what you would do in the advent of the Zombie Apocalypse? This seems to be a rather popular pastime. In fact, such a conversation was the catalyst for starting my stories. Such discussions seem to be growing popular, often starting with the simple question of :what are you planning to do for the zombie apocalypse? (I have a second blog that deals with the apocalypse and necessary skills that will be needed to survive)

My answer? Simple! As I question the quality and quantity of my luck, I plan to eat as many brains as possible until one of the crummy survivors finally puts me down. I don't put my chances at surviving to be very high – in fact I expect to be among the first to come down with the plague. Yeah, I am taking a slightly pessimistic view of my chances at surviving this a highly unlikely catastrophic event.

And now the infection is spreading exponentially, one infected survivor at a time.

Folks have been competing for world records on Zombie walks - a special event where people dress as zombies and parade through the streets of a given city. The city where I currently reside had one in the last few years and I believe that they even took the title.

In the last two years Walking Dead has become a hit television show. Though I've never seen it.

Then there is this Cracked article about why you 'secretly' hope for the Zombie Apocalypse. I am of course calling Bull Shit! I make no secret about any of those reasons. In fact they all seem rather bang on and obvious to me.

The united states military has gone so far as to run practice drills around a zombie outbreak. Really they were focusing on a response against a biological weapons based attack but just mentioning zombies these days really gets people's attention.

The whole world has gotten into the spirit of the mass-extinction of humanity! Now the mainstream society, starting with the athletic type folks are getting down with the sickness. Our society now combined zombies with exercise in the zombie run!  Which makes a bit of sense, as the first rule is always Cardio.

A zombie run? What is this? I imagine you ask, in a hilarious squeaky voice. Two of our friends were entered in the race. Which is why we went. Now I'm passing what I've learned onto you.

Well, here in the Big Grapple they set up a 5k(3 mile) loop in the downtown area. The runners wore white ribbons tucked into their shorts. The zombies were out on the course, waiting, which is what zombies do. The fucking undead don't have any ambition. And when the survivors approached they were mobbed by the zombies, who would go for the ribbons.

Also, there were the runners. So many pretty girls, and like the previously mentioned zombie walk, many of the contestants were dressed up. In the few minutes I was there, I saw at least 2 Batmen, and one Captain America - along with a giant pile of dirty dirty hippies. Shit, it was like a Comic con for Athletes! Mind you, this is a weekend on which Halloween is often celebrated for party purposes. So that could have influenced the showing.

I'm told that there were props and set-pieces to make the experience seem more realistic.

I don't know. I didn't run. My shins are borked(have I mentioned that here or was that my other blog?) and I'm not in near good enough condition to run so much as a mile, much less the full 3. Besides that, it was cold and windy. So we booked it for a coffee shop down-town. I rather wish that the weather had been nicer.

When we returned we found that neither of our friends had survived the gauntlet, but they had managed to complete the course. So huzzah for them.

As for myself I think that I shall stick with my previous plan, flawed though it may be, and try to make a bazillion bucks off my zombie novels and then in turn invest in land and an impressively fortified(and provisioned) homestead.

Hack Novelry part 2 Errata – an addition to yesterday's winding path of whining.

So, I explored different avenues with getting my work published. Here, I had something that I made, a world that I slaved over and lived in for months at a time, and it was just sitting on my harddrive collecting sub-atomic dust. One day it occurred to me to see whether or not I could upload it to Amazon for the Kindle as an independent. The answer was yes. They required a steep 65% cut of the profit at the time.

E-Publishing of course has its pros and cons. Like about everything else on the planet. I like the phrase 'double-edged sword'. It cuts both ways. The positives and negatives are also heavily intermeshed, with reasons showing up on both sides of the list, depending on how one looks at these things.

Pro: No middlemen, you go directly to the public, there are no publishers or agents, thus you get a larger share of the profits. That seems to be me the highest Libertarian ideal of the free market in action – though I'm not a Libertarian. No editors, your story stays exactly as you envisioned it.

Con: No editing, no assistance with cleaning up your prose, and you only have one set of eyes (unless you have a horde of willing friends – most of my friends are busy, uninterested, or both), to catch mistakes and help add that layer of polish. Lack of resources or expertise – you're forced to market it yourself. Lack of reach, no inexpensive print books(I prefer print to electronic). There isn't anyone out there actively working to pimp or improve your story. You're alone in the world to fend for yourself. I find myself needing feedback, a seperate set of eyes. It is difficult to envelop the entire story in my mind. I cannot see the forest for the trees as they say.

Woohoo I just brought out another tired old adage!

There are, out there in the vast wilds of the internet, services that will create a physical copy of your book. I've tried it – and sold somewhere around 3 copies(I have a feeling that at least one of those was a friend of mine). I don't blame people for not being interested, the first version had a lot of formatting issues and I'm the sole editor, so you can safely bet that there were mistakes aplenty. In fact, I've myself purchased nearly as many copies(2) as proofs.

As it is, I am a one man show. I create my own blurbs – which I mentioned I lack skill in doing. I've slathered together my cover art, some of which I am proud of visually, though I'd rather a real graphic artist uses their skills.

I started out and my sales tactic was to upload and wait. In the mean time I'd Calculate how many sales I will need to quit my shitty job and take up the gauntlet full time. The mathematical principal worked out to the answer “Way more than you're getting fool!”

The independent ebook author's dream seems to involve a deep hope that eventually someone will find your work, and then rave about it on their blog – prompting others to buy and rave. A word of mouth campaign. I'm just waiting for the likes of Simon Pegg or Penny Arcade to magically show up out of the chaos. So far, the wait has been long, and I honestly don't expect it to ever end. Magical Thinking and all that.

Really, if wishing and Magical Thinking worked, I would be a billionaire Ninja-Wizard who lived in my underground compound with a cadre of brilliant and beautiful geek women of all different flavors. The so-called author of “The Secret” can cram it into all of their various orifices. And then pack it in with a chainsaw.

Really though, how does an independent get the word out? I want to be fair and honest, no hype or bullshit. I hate, HATE, advertising. I also hate approaching strangers and just talking about my work. How is the blog different? You're coming to me if at all. Once again, I'm just tossing this up in my little point on the web. I like to think of it as a recording of me talking to myself.

Amazon has offered a service where one can give their books away free. Wooh? Well, if it gets you some buzz, why not?

But once again, how do I go about capturing an audience to spin my tales? I've been told that the stories are great. The characters are interesting and enjoyable. Sure, all of that was from my mom, but a mother must be Objective when talking about her kids prospects right? Pfah. Actually, after a year of complaining that she didn't get a copy of zombie 1, and receiving one, the Mom still hasn't gotten around to reading it(she doesn't like zombies). - all relevant compliments have come from outside of my circle.

The high point of December was receiving a letter from a fan wondering if there was going to be a zombie 5. How simple it is to raise hopes and spirits. A few positive words from a stranger is all it takes. Yes, I have plans for zombie 5, but other stories have gotten in the way. Especially after my hopes flagged over the first four books not going anywhere.

I just need to keep pushing onward. To find the energy to finish the projects I'm working on. The time to write the ideas that I have bumping around in my head. This is slow going.

My half-assed adventure in Agriculture.

An update! How exciting!

The problem with writing an adventure blog, even ones that are rather lame, is that you need to actually go on adventures for material. Obviously, my definition of 'adventure' is rather broad in that I write about any experience that is new or at least unusual for me. Which is why I've been holding off on my half-assed adventure in going to the super-market, as that would sink into the realm of no-assed. If you've been reading along and paying any attention, it is likely that you've come to the conclusion that I am an exceedingly boring person.

Congratulations Captain Obvious.

Well, back to the adventures, and the general lack there of. Back in January of 2010, I quit a job that I hated and proceeded to delve into the ranks of the unemployed. I did this during a recession, with no other prospects lined up. Dumb, I know. I usually don't leap like that, and my reasons were stupid. But I still feel it was one of my best decisions.

August of 2010 saw me re-employed but worrying about the age of my car and replenishing some of my spent savings. March 2011 saw my job disappear once more. Yep, no more driving to Ann Arbor to drug mule for the ungrateful crazies, or the patients. Amid a steep incline in gas prices(currently up over $4.00 a gallon) All in all, it's been a light year for traveling and adventures.

So, I've not done much and I've traveled less. Not too much different from when times are good!

In short, to summarize my motives in a couple sentences: The apocalypse is coming. When it does I'm pretty sure that grocery stores will have long lines. I hate waiting in line.

I am fascinated by the self-sustained and self-reliant lifestyle. I would like to experiment with growing my own food and generally living off the land. Ideally, I would set up a studio to work making pottery. I'd like to take up black-smithing. And then sell my creations. All with my beautiful wives Rosario Dawson, Emma Watson and Cristina Hendricks. I'd like. I'd like. I'd like. Problem here is that I don't see a way to make this sustainable. Unless I went the hot robot wife route.

I call this Kicking it Thoreau Style. (The hooking up with three exceedingly hot movie stars aspect of the Walden Experiment was in one of the lost appendixes).

Anyhow, all of that rambling is to set up this simple statement. I planted a garden. This combines steps 1 through 3 in my mind. Step three isn't big profit. Actually, 'big profit' and 'farming' seem to be mutually exclusive. 'Bankruptcy and despair' seem to fall in line more with 'Farming' these days.

I've never grown vegetables before on my own initiative. My folks have put in a couple gardens when I was growing up(Between ten and fifteen years ago). My grand-parents grow their own vegetables. And supposedly I come from farming roots on my Mother's side. So, I've been exposed. But sitting back and watching is different than setting off on your own.

The first problem is of course, my lack of experience. Secondly, we live on the second floor of our house and don't have any land. That means the garden has gone into planters(buckets that came full of cat litter) and hiding behind windows. Great, we don't have to worry about wild birds and animals ganking our bounty. We just have the tame cats instead.
I've been contemplating this for a few months now actually. So hopefully it works out. If not? Well, then I've learned something along the way.

Step 1: Getting the supplies.



We went to Home Depot and spent at least an hour wandering around as I only had a rather fuzzy idea of what I wanted to 'accomplish' with this entire mess. Thus the Underpant Gnome reference. First there are the basics: Pots, soil and the like. The common denominator that every gardener needs to grow plants. We grabbed a 2.5 cubic foot bag of potting soil, which is a lot of dirt. We already had some containers that would work as pots.

All this leaves was deciding what kinds of food we wanted to attempt and grow. First on the list was a handful of herbs. Basil, Oregano, Thyme, Sage and Rosemary. Just a bit of Parsley short of a grand day at Scarborough Faire. For the actual veggies, we rocked with pole beans, snap peas, tomatoes, peppers, and finally lettuce. Yep, we're rocking for salad. Might make us healthier in the end. Or we'll have a lot of dead plants on our hands.

Step 2: Bringing all that shit home and hauling it upstairs. This is a step by itself.

Step 3: Plant garden. We opted for a mix of seeds and seedlings. Seedlings when we could get them, and pure seeds when we couldn't. I spent the morning transferring soil to the 'pots' and trying to recall what I remembered about transferring seedlings and planting seeds. It doesn't help that the instructions on the seed-packets were less than helpful. Or I TLDRed it before I got to the helpful part. What? The packets are bright and colorful and very distracting. And I got to play in the dirt, something I've been missing since graduating.

since we're indoors, and we have cats, we've needed to devise a way to keep the plants off the floor and get them closer to what little sunlight gets through the windows(eves really kill direct sunlight). This is my biggest worry, killing the plants with shade. Right now I've opted for an old bookshelf. Will need to modify it later. Good thing I have tools and little sense.

So ends part 1. According to the packets, There should be some movement on part of the sedds within two weeks.

So I plan to survive the apocalypse. Despite all the odds against me making it. But I've been a fan of the genre in general for far too long to believe myself anything other than woefully ignorant of the mundane tasks of day to day life after the end. I mean really, I'm totally out of it when it comes to building a McGyver like trap to take out the last of those bastard biker nomads who just murdered my beloved wife and child. I'll need a wife first. Any takers?

I'd like to take up sailing. Windpower is unlimited, if a bit unpredictable. And the world's surface is covered with water, at around 70%. Plus, and this is important, frakking zombies can't swim. Ok, the buggery tradition of the open ocean isn't so overly appealing, but then sometimes you just need to live by the unwritten book of the sea. Not just the sailing, but the entire survival at sea class of skills, from navigation to gathering food and facing storms.

Next, I'll need to learn how to enjoy fish and other seafood. I hate fish. And I'll probably be living off it for a while. Unless there's some genetic revolution in the meantime and seacows are created. In that case, fuck the Tuna Surprise Jeeves, I'll have the steak. Scientific establishment, get on that would you?

There will probably be other survivors, and life on the move is rather lonely so I really need to work on some better pickup lines. Though accurate(hopefully), I imagine that "I'm neither radioactive or undead! Do me!" Will fail to bring in the honeys for very long. Specially after the other male survivors pick up on those magic words. Eventually I'll need to admit that I just can't compete with the three eyed mutant who can say (and prove) I've got a six inch tongue and can breathe through my ears.

I'm not going for some McGyveresque feat of "I've taken this box of rubber bands, this ballpoint pen and a bag full of baking soda and built a nuclear powered air craft carrier. What'd you do?" No, I'd settle with being able to open the hood of a vehicle and not saying "Gee-willikers, there are a lot of hoses and stuff. looks Like we're walking buddy."

Run a still and make a decent vintage(one that doesn't make the imbiber blind). I don't touch the stuff, and will likely be less interested when I see what goes into the process. But folks do like their liquor and they might be willing to trade. Keep that eye on the brass ring. Remember on you way out to try some Suttonstein's 3 hour special brew - It probably won't make you crazy.

Blacksmithing. Not so much for the weapons/tools/art, but more for the bulging muscles. It'll also give me some affinity for the warhammer.

Land navigation and wilderness survival. If I don't take to the sea I'm hitting the mountains. Which means I have to get to the mountains. And then not die of gross stupidity (I'm betting against myself on this one). It's unlikely that I'll stumble on a goodwilled ole'timey trapper type who will take me under his wing and teach me everything I need after the fact. Nope, gotta be proactive here. I plan to spend the next week or so watching and re-watching Jeremiah Johnson.

Aikido. Nuff said.

Playing gameboy without throwing it when I lose my temper after the fiftieth time in a row where the damn game cheats and I magically get hit and die right before I beat the last boss again, fucking god damn it why does that happen every time who the hell programmed this shit-fest they call a game. Best Buys might be few and far between.

Gardening. Assuming that I live to a ripe old age. Gardening is what old retired people do. I like to leave my options open. Besides how freaky would it be to one day happen on a random plot of land out in the middle of nowhere where a crazy old dude is growing petunias?

Free-style running/parkour. What the hell would be cooler than a post apocalyptic event with a parkour style chase? Imagine my bad self, clad in football shoulder pads and chaps, running through what's left of Paris as a gang of biker nomad mimes try and hunt me down after brutally killing my wife and child. of course there are too many to Aikido and I have no ammunition left (wasted it on the first gang of biker nomads - fuckers) so I have to parkour my ass out of there to lick my wounds and come back and get them with my pointed stick of vengance.

Skill 16, manufacture of kickass pointed sticks.

Knitting. So, after I broke my leg from a misstep whilst parkouring away from some rather savage looking midgets, I'll really need to be able to form a rope and climb the hell down the rest of the cliff so that I don't have to go over the waterfall. I'll just need to remember to keep a pair of long needles with me.

Exotic dance. You never know when it might come in handy.

There are probably more. But I think I have all the major ones.